


saboteur

by tamsinb



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: (important to me), Alcohol, Ambiguous Relationship Status between Jaylen and The Lovers, Angst, Depictions of Panic Attacks/PTSD, Drug Use (Mentioned), F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Partially Told Via Text Message, Touch-Averse Goodwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27747928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamsinb/pseuds/tamsinb
Summary: After your time in the starring role of Blaseball’s grand drama comes to an end, what comes next? Jaylen isn’t quite sure, and she figures the answer probably won’t involve shutting herself in her room and playing video games all day. But she’s not going to let that stop her from trying.(or; jaylen hotdogfingers spends an offseason with people who aren’t from around here, and stumbles into relationships with at least a couple of them)
Relationships: Jaylen Hotdogfingers & Mike Townsend, Jaylen Hotdogfingers/Betsy Trombone, Jaylen Hotdogfingers/Goodwin Morin, Jaylen Hotdogfingers/Goodwin Morin/Betsy Trombone, Mike Townsend & Betsy Trombone, Mike Townsend/Tillman Henderson/Declan Suzanne
Comments: 12
Kudos: 38





	saboteur

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty long for a standalone fic, so a few notes on structure: it's divided into three parts and an epilogue. Each of the parts has a section that takes place in a series of group chats, followed by a prose section. Part 3 is about as long as Parts 1 and 2 combined.
> 
> Other than that, I really hope you enjoy! This represents a lot of work and I'm really happy with how the final result came out. Thanks for reading!

* * *

**part 1: pang**

_“tell me what you're afraid of_

_tell what night is made of_

_what can i not destroy for you?”_

_“pang”, caroline polachek_

  
  


**> micycle townshed <**

**extracredit:** no i am not adding goodwin to the groupchat just because you think she's hot!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Mike townsend i did not take you for a lesbophobe.

 **extracredit:** first of all. fuck you

 **extracredit:** second of all she’s the person who replaced me on the team you know

 **extracredit:** idk it just feels kinda weird

 **jaylen14:** Oh come Onnnnnnnn

 **jaylen14:** I've been so helpful with your love life and all i Ask is a bit of help in return!!

 **extracredit:** literally what have you done to help

 **jaylen14:** I keep tillman company when you're busy.

 **jaylen14:** who Knows what he would do without my mitigating presence.

 **extracredit:** .......... ok fair

 **jaylen14:** Honestly i deserve another key to the city i'm being gracious here.

 **extracredit:** fine jaylen i'll add her are you happy!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Yes C:

 **extracredit:** oh my god you're doing her emoji i'm going to puke

 **jaylen14:** Oh shit that wasn't on purpose i promise

 **extracredit:** that doesn't make it better!!!!!!!!! **  
  
**

**> the cool garages <**

_===Mike Townsend added Goodwin Morin to the chat.===_

**extracredit:** ok goodwin is added

 **jaylen14:** Thank you mike.

 **gmorin:** Oh wow!!!! I am considered a Cool Garage??

 **trombetsy:** nahhh dont let it go to ur head, name’s a joke its just a group for mikes besties

 **gmorin:** O:

 **gmorin:** Are you saying I???

 **gmorin:** Am a bestie??? C’:

 **extracredit:** haha yeah guess so

 **jaylen14:** Oh now that i think of it isn’t sophia in here too?

 **extracredit:** yeah i met her in the shadows. she's cool

 **trombetsy:** she just never checks her fuckn phone i guesss

 **trombetsy:** prolly part of her whole fkn weird cat roleplay thing

 **gmorin:** Pardon me for saying so but!! Is she not a cat?? Physically speaking??

 **trombetsy:** look dont mean she has to act like one all im sayin

 **trombetsy:** one time i saw her talkin on the phone when she didnt kno i was there

 **trombetsy:** speakin normal ass not even a nya in sight

 **extracredit:** who was she calling??

 **trombetsy:** ehhhhh customer service i think

 **trombetsy:** warranty expired on her iphlone i think?????

 **jaylen14:** It always happens at the most inopportune moments doesn’t it.

 **gmorin:** Tell me of it!!!! This happened constantly when I would purchase weapons.

 **gmorin:** Specifically my contact for large-grade electroshock implements!!

 **gmorin:** Wouldn’t you know it!!! The sight breaks the day the weeklong grace period is up!!! O:<

 **gmorin:** And so I storm the bar where the contact hangs out and declare hey!!!!

 **gmorin:** I don’t need a sight to shove this armament up your entire ass!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** It can be such a hassle C:

 **jaylen14:** ………

 **pielovinkitty:** ………

 **extracredit:** ……haha yeah

 **trombetsy:** damn this bitch is awesome shoulda added her ass sooner

 **extracredit:** oh hey soph!

 **pielovinkitty:** nya~

 **pielovinkitty:** turns out kittens can have little a cellphone

 **pielovinkitty:** as a treat :3c

**> micycle townshed <**

**jaylen14:** Mike am i attractive.

 **jaylen14:** There’s a Right answer to this question.

 **extracredit:** haha oh my god jaylen

 **extracredit:** do you need me to gas you up?

 **jaylen14:** No i don’t i need An accurate judgment.

 **extracredit:** i meeeeeean objectively? i would tend to say so yeah

 **extracredit:** i think in the industry they call them ‘striking features’

 **jaylen14:** What fucking industry is that.

 **jaylen14:** Wait was that a pitcher Pun ???

 **extracredit:** haha yeah i guess it was wow

 **jaylen14:** okay look. You Know girls.

 **extracredit:** been lucky enough to know a few in my time, yes

 **jaylen14:** Let’s say There was a girl.

 **extracredit:** eyes emoji

 **jaylen14:** Oh my god don’t type that Just do one.

 **extracredit:** never

 **jaylen14:** Anyway let’s say this Hypothetical girl was amazingly cool and beautiful.

 **extracredit:** right

 **jaylen14:** and Was very tall.

 **extracredit:** uh huhh

 **jaylen14:** And possibly had at least four arms and was named goodwin anyway do you think i have a chance

 **extracredit:** uh huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 **extracredit:** um

 **extracredit:** look its hard to tell for sure okay

 **extracredit:** goodwin is uh. she’s obviously been through a lot and this is all new to her

 **extracredit:** don’t even know if they invented dating over there

 **jaylen14:** Well it’s okay if she doesn’t really know, i’m fairly low maintenance.

 **extracredit:** jay no actually low maintenance person has ever said that

 **jaylen14:** Yeah but i’m the first to do a lot of things!!

 **extracredit:** haha. but like. you’re cool and you can turn on the charm when you wanna

 **extracredit:** plus she doesn’t know about your shitass reputation which is a huge plus

 **jaylen14:** Oh god yeah you’re so right.

 **jaylen14:** hey uh you Wouldn’t be mad if i went for it right?

 **extracredit:** me? nahhhh tbh i don’t actually resent her for switching with me or anything 

**extracredit:** she’s cool and like. not like she asked for it you know

 **extracredit:** being around her is just kind of awkward but i’d get over it probably

 **extracredit:** honestly i’d be more worried about what the gossip would be

 **extracredit:** “hey did you hear jaylen’s dating the girl who sent mike back to the shadows??”

 **extracredit:** i don’t even know what they would say about that

 **jaylen14:** Hmmm maybe something like

 **jaylen14:** “Wow isn’t that _just_ what you’d expect from that evil bitch _jaylen hotdogfingers”_

 **jaylen14:** and They’d be right C:<

 **extracredit:** hey evil bitch u used a dumbass emoji again

 **jaylen14:** Aaaaah!!!!

 **jaylen14:** look i think it’s Very endearing ok!!!! lay Off!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** lol you’re gay

 **jaylen14:** No you’re gay.

 **extracredit:** haha yeah i sure am

 **jaylen14:** Yeah me too lmao.

 **extracredit:** look honestly? i’m mostly just glad you have something you’re working towards.

 **extracredit:** was worried you were gonna spend the whole offseason cooped up in whatever the lovers call their thing.

 **jaylen14:** Polyhedron.

 **extracredit:** yeah that.

 **jaylen14:** and I would not! I go out all the time to get food from the cafeteria!

 **jaylen14:** did you Know the lovers have a cafeteria? it’s pretty Nice.

 **jaylen14:** not as good as the food the Pies have but still pretty good.

 **extracredit:** dang the garages barely have a working coffee machine.

 **jaylen14:** lmao yeah Right?

 **extracredit:** jay no that’s not the point though what do u even do all day.

 **jaylen14:** well since you ask, i am the resident representative for a Scrappy and lovable group of animals.

 **extracredit:** is this your video game.

 **jaylen14:** yes it’s My video game.

 **extracredit:** and do you talk to anyone.

 **jaylen14:** uh You dumbass.

 **extracredit:** besides me

 **jaylen14:** …

 **jaylen14:** Tillman?

 **extracredit:** oh my god it’s worse than i thought.

 **jaylen14:** is Not.

 **extracredit:** so look doesn’t matter to me who you’re thirsting after.

 **extracredit:** could be the fucking peanut for all i care.

 **extracredit:** just uh. idk. as long as you’re happy i guess!

 **jaylen14:** why Do i feel like you’re not saying everything you’re thinking.

 **extracredit:** oh no reason! haha.

**> ugh. betsy <**

**trombetsy:** hey jay dont think i didnt pick up you thanking mike for putting godwin in

 **trombetsy:** whats ur game whatr u playin at

 **jaylen14:** Betsy i think We can both agree that i do not have game.

 **trombetsy:** pfffffffffft

 **trombetsy:** aint that the fuckin truth

 **trombetsy:** u got fuckn the opposite of game

 **trombetsy:** and as soon as i figure out what that is im gonna dunk on u so hard itll end ur whole career

 **jaylen14:** Yeah? are dunks what You popped into my dms for?

 **jaylen14:** or are You worried i’ll cannibalize your newest pitcher?

 **trombetsy:** hahahahahahahahaha full offense jay but im pretttty sure goodwin could handle u

 **trombetsy:** shes like super buff and has a shitton of weapons n shit

 **jaylen14:** Oh my god i know right???

 **jaylen14:** Isn’t she the Coolest???

 **trombetsy:** jesus jay ur droolin calm tf down

 **jaylen14:** No. this is my right As a woman. i will drool if i Want.

 **trombetsy:** dam must be nice bein a woman u can just act a fool w no consequences r nothin

 **jaylen14:** it’s Pretty great you are always free to try it.

 **trombetsy:** tried it shit sucked lmao

 **trombetsy:** ever tried bein nothin? gotta act w some decorum but outside of that it’s p dope

 **jaylen14:** Hey i have decorum.

 **jaylen14:** i’ll Have you know my villagers have given me the title of Competent Coconut

 **trombetsy:** i know what ur fuckin title is jay i let u come to my island to sell turnips

 **jaylen14:** you are So correct you helped me out of a very tight jam.

 **jaylen14:** And i do not know how i will ever repay you for that.

 **trombetsy:** bitch you can repay me by not pushing mike around all the time!!!!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** he cant fuckin stick up for himself so its ur job not to take advantage

 **trombetsy:** and its my job to shank you if you do!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** so anyway get over here

 **trombetsy:** snip snip bitch

 **trombetsy:** wait thats a scissors noise not a knife whats a fuckin knife sound

 **jaylen14:** Um. Schwing? like When you do the flippy thing on your switchblade.

 **trombetsy:** thats a fuckin gross noise jaylen im not usin that

 **trombetsy:** anyway stab ur dead stop fuckin w mike

 **jaylen14:** Haha like i haven’t been dead before.

 **jaylen14:** doubt it’d Even make me miss a game at this point.

 **trombetsy:** i got stabs to spare

 **jaylen14:** Look i’m not pressuring mike i simply asked him to add her and he agreed.

 **trombetsy:** uh huh

 **trombetsy:** u cant see my face but im makin a i dont believe u face

 **jaylen14:** I swear!!! all i Did was apply a little leverage.

 **trombetsy:** jay thats literally what fuckin pressure means

 **jaylen14:** i Disagree.

 **jaylen14:** I know you are protective of mike but he can handle himself.

 **trombetsy:** im makn the same i dont believe u face but like ten times harder rn

 **jaylen14:** …okay You may have a point. regardless.

 **trombetsy:** regard this bitch!!! stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** betsy!! Calm it down!!

 **jaylen14:** I get it you are protective of mike. i Am too.

 **jaylen14:** trust me that i Know where limits and boundaries are.

 **jaylen14:** i Wouldn’t push him into something i know would be bad for him.

 **trombetsy:** hmmmmmmmm ok reverse schwing noise

 **jaylen14:** was that You

 **trombetsy:** that was me puttin the knife away yea

 **jaylen14:** Cool.

 **jaylen14:** you Know.

 **jaylen14:** with how protective you are of mike it might almost fool someone into thinking

 **jaylen14:** that maybe there Might be something more going on there??

 **trombetsy:** schwing bitch knife back out stab stab stab stab stab stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** hm Okay my fault for asking.

 **jaylen14:** Please put the knife away my Zombie ass body can’t take it.

 **jaylen14:** or wait are zombies Good with being stabbed?

 **trombetsy:** uh i think so unless its the head

 **trombetsy:** but i dont wanna fuckin get ur nasty brain goop on my knife

 **jaylen14:** Haha yeah it gets pretty gross up there.

 **trombetsy:** anyway

 **trombetsy:** im makin the im watchin u motion w my fingers

 **trombetsy:** the one where i put two fingers on my eyes then point at u

 **jaylen14:** I know the one.

 **trombetsy:** im makin it. at u

 **jaylen14:** i’ll Live in fear.

 **trombetsy:** u bet ur ass u will

**> tillman <**

**tillyhendy69:** ughhhhhhhhhhh

 **jaylen14:** hey Tillman.

 **jaylen14:** Another lonely day?

 **tillyhendy69:** nah wish i was fukn alone

 **tillyhendy69:** its another fukn cheese cube argument

 **jaylen14:** a. What now.

 **tillyhendy69:** yeah idrk dec & mike have some runnin thing abt cheese cubes idgi

 **tillyhendy69:** but uh. mikes bein all cringe n weird today so it came back up

 **jaylen14:** Oh.

 **jaylen14:** he Is?

 **tillyhendy69:** yea its fuckin annoying he never talks abt shit and like

 **tillyhendy69:** i dont give a shit & declans fuckin never gonna notice so

 **tillyhendy69:** ur not gettin shit from us pal

 **jaylen14:** i knew leaving him with you Two was a mistake you’re going to break mike!

 **tillyhendy69:** lmao calm ur shit he’s fine look they’re already makin out over there

 **jaylen14:** Honestly? not much Of an improvement.

 **tillyhendy69:** lmao harsh

 **tillyhendy69:** god the offseason is so fuckinn boring whens season 11

 **jaylen14:** tillman we’ve Been off for barely two weeks.

 **tillyhendy69:** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 **tillyhendy69:** shit fuckin sucks declan doesnt own like ANY sick games

 **tillyhendy69:** n all he wants to watch is fuckin

 **tillyhendy69:** cringe ass 3d animated dance videos

 **tillyhendy69:** and all mike wants to watch is borin tv where ppl whisper at u about animals r food r some shit

 **jaylen14:** Well you Can hang out with the shoe thieves.

 **tillyhendy69:** yeah at least its fuckn smth to do i guesss

 **tillyhendy69:** still livin w dec but stu picks me up when they’re doin hangouts or w/e

 **tillyhendy69:** which is like nice of her n shit

 **jaylen14:** the way You’re saying that makes me think you’ve tried to make stu regret the gesture.

 **tillyhendy69:** YEA I FUCKIN TRIED I HOOKED MY PHONE UP TO HER SHIPS SPEAKERS

 **tillyhendy69:** BLASTED FUCKIN NIGHTCORE REMIXES AT FULL VOLUME

 **tillyhendy69:** ALL SHE DID WAS LAUGH N START DABBIN A BUNCH

 **jaylen14:** Lmaoooo. you’ve finally met your Match.

 **tillyhendy69:** not fuckin likely

 **tillyhendy69:** have my phone loaded with nothin but hentai moans gonna get her ass today

 **jaylen14:** godspeed, tillman Henderson.

**> goodwin morin <**

**gmorin:** Apparently I am a Cool Garages now B)

 **jaylen14:** Haha yeah congrats lmao.

 **gmorin:** In my previous existence I fled from my team and fought against my being included!!

 **gmorin:** But this team seems much better than that one so I am excited C:

 **jaylen14:** yeah i mean You know i just thought it would be nice to know we all got your back here.

 **gmorin:** Of course!! Teamwork seems great and I am all in on it :D

 **jaylen14:** You know now that i think of it you sure are uh.

 **jaylen14:** open about your Whole on-the-run situation.

 **gmorin:** Well now that I am not fleeing my corporate overlords there is no need to practice secrecy!!

 **gmorin:** I consider sharing my thoughts and feelings unguardedly an absolute delight!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh yeah Guess that makes sense.

 **gmorin:** Are you saying this because you are anxious about your own history!!

 **jaylen14:** um. I guess so?

 **jaylen14:** Wow you’re perceptive.

 **gmorin:** I have incredible instincts and people reading skills, yes!!

 **gmorin:** They have saved my life many times C:

 **jaylen14:** Do you know the whole thing or.

 **gmorin:** I know that you were the proximal cause of the deaths of several of your fellow players!!

 **jaylen14:** goodwin would it Kill you to put it a little more gently than that.

 **gmorin:** Hmmmmm probably not!!

 **gmorin:** I also know that you led the restless dead to repel and destroy an encroaching deity!!

 **gmorin:** Is this an accurate summary??

 **jaylen14:** haha like i mean No that’s the messed up part you left out like most of it.

 **jaylen14:** But on the whole yeah That’s basically what happened.

 **gmorin:** Well!! I cannot say I don’t know the burden that performing violence can carry!!

 **gmorin:** So I am sorry that you had to go through such a thing :C

 **jaylen14:** Wait.

 **jaylen14:** you’re sorry For me?

 **jaylen14:** As in. sympathy?

 **gmorin:** Of course!! It is difficult to continue on after those kinds of things!!

 **gmorin:** And yet here you are, having not let such things stop you!!

 **gmorin:** You even continued on to do actions that many consider very cool!!!! B)

 **jaylen14:** not like that gets Rid of any of the other stuff.

 **gmorin:** Oh I’m sorry!! I’m not naive enough to say that it did or can!!

 **jaylen14:** no no it’s okay it Um. it’s Cool.

 **gmorin:** I just didn’t want you to be worried I had private negative thoughts about you!!

 **gmorin:** Jaylen??

 **gmorin:** Are you still there??

 **gmorin:** Oh no I hope you didn’t get angry and perform a Block on me :O

 **jaylen14:** uh No no sorry i uh.

 **jaylen14:** i’m here i Just.

 **jaylen14:** had To.

 **jaylen14:** Charge my phone.

 **gmorin:** I see!!

 **jaylen14:** but thanks For that it’s uh. Maybe the first time someone has said that to me.

 **jaylen14:** back then it was mostly just people saying

 **jaylen14:** “aw dang we Really messed up by bringing her back!!”

 **jaylen14:** “get her off our team She’s making us look bad!”

 **jaylen14:** “jaylen stop killing Everyone please!” lmaoooooooo

 **jaylen14:** i mean in the First place technically it wasn’t even me killing them and like second of all

 **jaylen14:** look i’ve been dead at least A few times it’s really not that bad.

 **gmorin:** O: That removes a great burden on all mortals!!

 **jaylen14:** … ok That’s a lie actually being dead is probably the worst thing it’s possible to experience.

 **gmorin:** I see!! That does sound more honest!!

 **jaylen14:** i mean what was I supposed to fucking do just go back i mean

 **jaylen14:** ugh Nevermind. forget it forget it for Get itttttttt.

 **gmorin:** Would you like to talk about what being dead was like??

 **jaylen14:** um.

 **jaylen14:** not right Now. Maybe ask me again sometime.

 **gmorin:** I understand entirely C:

 **gmorin:** Would you rather tell me about the animals you curate on your virtual island!!

 **jaylen14:** uhhhhhhhhhhh Yeah actually kind of a lot.

 **jaylen14:** Do you actually want to hear about it?

 **gmorin:** Of course!! You make everything sound so interesting!!

 **gmorin:** It is almost as if I were on an island vacation myself B)

 **gmorin:** Those are the cool sunglasses I would have on an island!!

 **jaylen14:** Lmaoooooooo ok lemme get it out see where i’m at actually.

 **gmorin:** Well of course I would probably not be able to be out in the sun, actually!!

 **gmorin:** It messes with my Shadow Powers and also I get very sunburned xO

 **jaylen14:** seattle’s a Nice place for you then huh.

 **gmorin:** Absolutely!!

 **jaylen14:** Okay got it out let’s seeeeee.

 **jaylen14:** Oh yeah that’s right i had a little bridge i was saving up for.

 **jaylen14:** Because like, right now my house is across a river from all my flowers.

 **jaylen14:** So it’d be nice to have a route straight To them when i water.

 **gmorin:** That does sound convenient!!

 **gmorin:** What about your bespectacled cat friend!!

 **jaylen14:** oh oh Oh oh yeah!!!

 **jaylen14:** i figured out That there was a feature where you can dress up and pose your villagers!!!

 **gmorin:** :O!!!

 **jaylen14:** And so i.

 **jaylen14:** Might have.

 **jaylen14:** Put him in a little maid outfit!!

 **gmorin:** Jaylen Hotdogfingers you have to send me photos immediately!!!!!!!

 _Jaylen sent:_ _checkthisshit.jpg_

**gmorin:** Oh My Goodness!!!!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** If I Had Known Such Wonders Existed In Worlds Beyond My Own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** I Would Have Torn The Fabric Of Reality With My Own Six Hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** I know i know i know right???

 **jaylen14:** I cried.

 **gmorin:** The Best Part Is That He Is Slightly Grumpy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** But. Um. Yeah.

 **jaylen14:** Other than that been trying for a bit to catch the last fish i need For this month.

 **jaylen14:** No luck yet.

 **gmorin:** I am sure you will get it soon C:

 **jaylen14:** haha yeah Thanks.

 **gmorin:** Apologies for retreading but to go back to an earlier point!!

 **jaylen14:** uhhhh sure Yeah go for it.

 **gmorin:** You said to ask you again sometime about your time in the realm of death!!

 **jaylen14:** times Plural but yeah lmao.

 **gmorin:** Would it be okay if that was in person???

 **gmorin:** I was just thinking about how I have met all of the Cool Garages in person but yourself!!!

 **gmorin:** And plus I hear San Francisco has many wonderful museums and cultural artifacts!!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh Yeah no it definitely does i haven’t gotten a chance to go to many though?

 **gmorin:** Then let’s go together!! I will make it down somehow C:

 **jaylen14:** wait do You mean like.

 **jaylen14:** oh. Uh. hm. Uh? oh.

 **jaylen14:** yes! Yeah! yes! yes let’s do that!

 **jaylen14:** you Focus on getting down here and i will take care of picking places?

 **jaylen14:** the lovers know basically every cool spot in the area I’m sure they can help me out.

 **gmorin:** That sounds like a great arrangement!!

 **gmorin:** I will let you know when I manage to book it C:

 **jaylen14:** Yeah! yeah ok Great!

 **gmorin:** Okay I have to go now it is band practice time!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh no Way they roped you into that too?

 **gmorin:** Yes!!!! They were so excited when they found someone who could play the novelty double guitar!!!

 **gmorin:** Now I just need to learn how to play C:

 **gmorin:** Goodbye Jaylen!!!!

 **jaylen14:** haha Bye.

**> micycle townshed <**

**jaylen14:** OH MY GOD GOODWIN MORIN JUST ASKED ME ON A DATE

 **extracredit:** eyes emoji

 **jaylen14:** STOP SAYING EYES EMOJI JUST SEND ONE

* * *

Jaylen Hotdogfingers checked her pulse, then checked the time. Only the second was strictly necessary, she supposed, but the reassuring murmur of her heart’s as of yet unstopped beating helped calm the jagged spike of anxiety she’d been riding for - she checked the time again - about twelve minutes. Which was to say, every moment since Goodwin had passed five minutes late to meet her out front of the restaurant. (Jaylen considered herself fairly lenient for allowing others those five minutes. She herself had never been late to anything.)

She casually laid her fingers aside her neck and left them for a few seconds. Faster now. A mixed blessing. But steady. It had been steady for a while now, just not long enough to fully quell the doubt that grew constantly whenever she wasn’t addressing it, the doubt that if she didn’t keep checking then at any time it might without her noticing regress to the days where the beats were infrequent and arrhythmic and she would have to wait what felt like marathon stretches of time to feel another pulse run through her. And of course even that was preferable to those early weeks where she felt nothing at all.

With a sigh she took out the phone that she was trying very hard to limit herself to checking exactly once a minute. A stray gust of chilly San Francisco air blew a few locks of hair into her eyes. She waited for the number to flip over. It did. She flicked it on. Nothing from Goodwin. A few texts from Kichiro though, who had been the first to call dibs on a livetext of the day’s proceedings, beating out a surprising amount of entrants, including all of the other Lovers, Mike/Tillman/Declan (all separate), all the Garages she knew, all the Garages she didn’t, a few assorted members of the teams she’d flickered onto, a few of the Spies (who claimed it was for intel purposes), and Parker MacMillan himself. For some reason.

**> kichiro <**

**toughlove:** ok so wats up tho

 **toughlove:** jaylen

 **toughlove:** jayyyyyyyylen

 **toughlove:** is she fuckin there????

 **toughlove:** jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

 **toughlove:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **toughlove:** yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **jaylen14:** no Oh my god she’s not here yet!

 **toughlove:** lllllllllll

 **toughlove:** oops pressed enter isntead of backspace lmaoooooooo

 **toughlove:** wait rlly not yet??? wtf

 **toughlove:** how far awy did she say she was??

 **jaylen14:** ten Minutes.

 **toughlove:** and how long ago was that??

 **jaylen14:** ummmmmm Twenty minutes ago.

 **toughlove:** aight im not a fuckin brain genius but she’s def late

 **jaylen14:** professor Guerra everybody.

 **toughlove:** 8)

 **toughlove:** thats my fuckn. smart person glasses. professor of dates

 **toughlove:** k idk bitch u shld call her thats my professor opinions

 **jaylen14:** i dunno Would that make me seem needy?

 **toughlove:** uhhhh idk who cares

 **toughlove:** if ur needy and she dips ill plostmates us a fuckin pizza and u can eat the whole thing

 **jaylen14:** as exhilarating as that Sounds i think i’d prefer to have a date that doesn’t ditch me.

 **toughlove:** lmao bitch im kiddingggggggggg

 **toughlove:** ur not gonna make u think ur any more fuckin needy if u jsut callllllllll

 **toughlove:** a. she literally flew btwn cities for this date? which, RIDIC

 **toughlove:** b. if ur needy she def already knows at this point

 **jaylen14:** ughhhhhhhh.

 **toughlove:** just!!!!! call!!!!!!!

 **toughlove:** shes prolly just fucn lost or like

 **toughlove:** idk saw a cute ass bag in a window and had to go check it out or smth

 **jaylen14:** that Seems more like a thing that you’d do kichiro.

 **toughlove:** thats why i said or smht!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh shit Wait that’s her she’s here?

 **toughlove:** whatt!!!!!!! rlly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u sure!?!?!?!

 **jaylen14:** well i dont See any other seven foot tall jacked ladies around here.

 **toughlove:** welllllll fuckinnnnnnnnn get out there bitch good luck

 **toughlove:** u better text me LITERALLY EVERY SECOND

 **toughlove:** OH AND SEND PICTURES TOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **jaylen14:** yeah i’m abso fucking Lutely not doing that.

*******

Jaylen hurriedly shoved her phone back into her pocket, and hopped out from under the awning around the restaurant to go collect Goodwin, who was standing on the other side of the street, seeming every inch of her a fish doubly out of water.

“Goodwin! Goodwin, hey!”

Goodwin stopped gawking at the scenery and lowered her head to look at Jaylen, waving excitedly and jumping up as if that would provide any additional assistance in making her heads-above-everyone-else form more visible. Jaylen made it to the end of the largely uncrowded sidewalk, careful not to go too fast lest the heavily slanted road send her off balance, and waited for Goodwin to cross and decided that this would be a good moment to be utterly overwhelmed by her companion’s appearance.

Goodwin Morin stood not even a single atom below 7’3” (okay so Jaylen had looked up her official statline, sue her), and was sporting the Garages’ signature undercut, the same one Jaylen had in her inaugural season. She was wearing a deep red flannel draped over a neutral tshirt tucked into jeans. Jaylen adjusted the way her bomber jacket sat on top of her white turtleneck and congratulated herself silently for anticipating Goodwin’s fashion sensibilities (namely: none) and going for a more casual look. She would never be caught dead, of course, as the underdressed member of a date, but it was never a good look to blow them out of the water entirely.

She was almost so engrossed in matters of outfits that she had almost forgotten to note what was almost certainly the most eyecatching among Goodwin’s already quite ostentatious figure: the bevy of shadow arms that followed near behind her back. There were four of them at the moment by Jaylen’s count, in two pairs, although she’d heard tell that there could be more or less depending on the need.

“Hi, Jaylen!” grinned Goodwin. “You look great!”

“Oh, uh. Thanks.” Recomposing herself. “Did you make it okay? You uh, weren’t texting back so I didn’t know if you might’ve gotten lost or…”

“Ah, yeah, that!” Goodwin laughed and rubbed the back of her head. “It’s a bit embarrassing but, my arms were so excited to meet you that I lost control of them a bit!” The arms behind her looked a bit ashamed.

“They’ve got a mind of their own?”

“Yes, sometimes! Luckily this time they only stole a purse, and it didn’t even start an altercation! The shop’s owner was very understanding!”

Probably saw who they were dealing with and thought better of it, thought Jaylen. Oh, right, what had Kichiro been telling her to do when the date starts? Hug right? Go in for the hug? That was probably it.

“Well, you made it here and that’s all that matters,” said Jaylen, taking a step forwards. “It’s good to see you!”

Jaylen raised her arms for a hug around Goodwin’s waist and leaned in only to be blocked by two arms flying over and around Goodwin’s shoulders, blocking her out. Jaylen took a step back.

“Oh! I’m so sorry about that!” Goodwin guided the arms away from in front of her. “I’m sorry if that surprised you! Truthfully I’m not very good with being touched, actually!”

“No, it’s okay,” said Jaylen, arms wrapped in front of her, “sorry if I-”

“Not your fault at all!” grinned Goodwin. “I was going to bring it up soon anyway, over text didn’t seem quite the right time! I hope that isn’t an issue!”

“Nah, not really,” laughed Jaylen, “Honestly might be preferable?” She thought for a moment. “Not right now, but later we should hash out all of the boundaries and stuff? Just so we’re on the same page.”

Goodwin’s grin widened a bit. “That sounds like a great idea! Anyway, I haven’t eaten all day, and if I grow any more hungry my rage is going to send me on a warpath through the city!”

Jaylen instinctually put her fingers to the side of her neck, checking her pulse.

“Haha! That was a joke!” laughed Goodwin. “I don’t mean to brag but the Garages have called me quite the ‘memester’! How did you like it!”

“Hey. Goodwin. Do me a favor and keep the jokes to a minimum ‘kay? No offense, but. I’m already anxious enough as it is.”

“I am sorry to hear so! I won’t make any more jokes, let me know if I can do anything else to help!”

God she’s earnest, thought Jaylen, and most of her liked it, even though it grated harshly against the parts of her that had been worn cynical by the endless bullshit. She nodded and smiled up at Goodwin’s grin.

“Let’s just go in and get a table.” And Jaylen was already off, taking them both inside without waiting for a response.

*******

**> kichiro <**

**jaylen14:** what the fuck Kind of place did you send me to.

 **toughlove:** whaddya mean

 **jaylen14:** why is there corn On the pizza?

 **toughlove:** ummmmm i mean you dont hafta order the ones w corn on it

 **toughlove:** but have u tried it?? its kinda fuckin yummy axually

 **jaylen14:** no i Will not try corn on my pizza!

 **jaylen14:** get me out Of cali.

 **toughlove:** lmaooooooooo no such fuckin luck yet babes

 **toughlove:** maybe next year

 **toughlove:** wait hold on a fukjn minute stop distractin me

 **toughlove:** hows ur date bitch !!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** well. goodwin Is looking at the menu currently.

 **jaylen14:** she seems entirely distracted By it so it seemed like a good time to text.

 **jaylen14:** she uh. Hasn’t stopped smiling? the Entire time?

 **toughlove:** woahhhhh fukn weirddd bruh

 **jaylen14:** it is? a bit?

 **toughlove:** well idk from the screenshts u sent it looks like she always texts rl perky so

 **toughlove:** i guess she’s just like that??????????

 **jaylen14:** Yeah guess so.

 **jaylen14:** should i Ask about it?

 **toughlove:** omg nooooooooooooooooooooo thats prolly like soooo personal

 **toughlove:** u dont rlly wanna get in on that on a first date???

 **toughlove:** what if its like all tragic n shit n u kill the mood

 **jaylen14:** any date im On has a tragic mood.

 **toughlove:** lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo i mean fairrr

 **toughlove:** even more reason not to fuck it up worse im tellin ya dont do itttttttttttt

*******

“Goodwin. Sorry to interrupt your menu reading but. Is it okay if I ask about your smile?”

Jaylen had never been very successful when following Kichiro’s advice, anyway. She tucked her phone away into a pocket.

Goodwin put the menu down and took a moment to register what Jaylen had said. Then: “Ah! Yeah, when I got here it also disturbed several of my teammates! Would you like the long or the short answer?”

“Hm,” said Jaylen. “How about short answer, then you order, then long answer?”

“Works for me! Short answer: it is how all people are where I am from! This is considered polite!” Goodwin beamed and lifted her menu back, done with the short answer if not with her thought. “Honestly,” she continued as she perused, "when I first got here I thought everyone hated me because they had the same faces of the people who were trying to kill me back home! Didn’t I feel silly when I found out that was just normal here!”

“Seems like quite the adjustment,” ventured Jaylen.

“Absolutely! But it has been well worth it so far!”

“Would probably have to be, compared to being on the run for your life or whatever.”

“Sure, but I don’t mean to say that it’s only because of how shit my world was!! Your world is great too, I mean look at all of these toppings!!”

“I was partly expecting to have to explain pizza to you,” smiled Jaylen.

“Of course not, of course we have pizza!! But I would never have dreamed you could put _corn_ onto it!”

“Me neither…” said Jaylen under her breath. The server came and they both ordered something. Jaylen hoped hers was good, whatever it was.

Goodwin used the brief silence that settled as a chance to break into her long answer. As best Jaylen could follow it went something like: there was an evil nega version of Seattle, Goodwin was on _that_ city’s blaseball team, until she did some combination of escape slash get shadow powers slash get called up to the big leagues. Of course, Goodwin felt no need to stick to the bare bones of the story, and Jaylen had plenty of time to monitor her pulse while she listened to stories of neon-tinged crime and darkalley fights, along with a few cool gadgets to boot.

And well. Jaylen was a bit of a sucker for those sorts of things, apparently, and she found herself getting fairly invested. Maybe a bit too invested, at one point Goodwin described a car exploding and she’d let out an unintentionally audible _‘woah cool’,_ earning her a strange look from Goodwin.

“Jaylen,” she’d said, “you know that explosion nearly killed me, right??”

“Haha,” said Jaylen, mimicking the noise Mike made whenever he seemed trapped in a bad situation, “I mean yeah of course. It’s cool that you survived? Is what I meant?” She sighed. “Thank you for telling me that, though, I mean if you wanna continue your story, um, _sometime,_ that'd be cool. Uh, maybe sometime when we don’t have pizza in front of us though. Wait, when did it get here?”

Goodwin shrugged with a few pairs of her arms. “At some point!”

Jaylen shrugged back and picked up a slice of her pizza, apparently she’d ordered some kind of barbecue chicken construction. It was okay. She took another bite and the cheese scalded her mouth and she winced and the motion turned her head just enough to catch the side-eyed glance of someone at another table, turned away as soon as she’d noticed.

Oh, right. She’d almost forgotten who she was. Jaylen checked her pulse.

At least it wasn’t as bad as it normally was. Maybe Goodwin was attracting some of the attention herself. Maybe no one felt it safe to make snide comments when she was with someone who looked like they crushed skulls as a hobby.

(At least when she’d been able to kill people, no one had dared say anything to her face. As soon as her beanballs had lost their deathtouch it was open season, and Jaylen knew she should feel worse about the part of her that missed that power. But she was nothing if not honest.)

She caught a few words carried on the wind. It sounded like a table across the room was getting into an argument over whether Jaylen might have ultimately been some protector force creating peace and safety in the league, and she was reminded that as bad as the snide comments were they cut nowhere near as deep as the ones casting her as hero. Jaylen dragged a foot up onto her seat, hugging one arm around her leg as she checked her pulse with the other. Still going. She was a bit beyond caring if anyone noticed her weird sitting position. A part of her brain was telling her that she should keep eating, make a comment, do something, but she was too firmly lodged in some impenetrable morass that lived somewhere in the top of her head.

Goodwin said something that didn’t reach her. She said it again and Jaylen blinked. Her pulse sounded once, then again. Still going.

“Huh?” asked Jaylen.

“I asked if it might be better to leave!” Jaylen could see the concern behind Goodwin’s apparently compulsory grin. She shook her head.

“I’m used to it,” she lied. She should have been, though.

“Would you like to trade slices? Corn on pizza is far better than I expected!”

Jaylen laughed. “You actually got that?” But she nodded and passed one of her slices over. It was Goodwin’s last piece. It must have been saved for her. Jaylen took a cautious nibble and sure enough, it was pretty good.

“Hey so,” said Jaylen, feeling just deranged enough to jump headfirst into a latent anxiety, “you wanted to hear me talk about stuff, right? That was why you said you wanted to meet.”

“Well,” said Goodwin, “I have to admit it was mostly a pretense! You said something about asking you later and I thought it’d be a great opportunity to spend time with you!”

Jaylen sighed. “Hey tell me that again later when I can feel happy about it, okay?”

Goodwin nodded. “You can still talk about it if you want!”

“I mean that’s kind of the thing of it,” said Jaylen, “I couldn’t even if I wanted to, I mean. I dunno maybe I could? It’s like number 3 on the list of questions I get asked all the time and it’s not like I don’t _remember_ what being dead was like, but I don’t remember it the way you can talk about. I don’t remember it in words and if I tried to put it into words it would just sound fucking lame.” Jaylen caught herself. “Um. Sorry if I’m talking too much and you don’t actually want to hear-”

Goodwin shook her head sharply and moved her eyes in a way that meant go ahead. Jaylen leaned back in her chair and crossed her other leg in front of the raised one, dropping the hand she hadn’t noticed was still checking her pulse.

“Right after I got back, before games started, they had me doing press circuits and shit, putting me on display as the undead girl they’d worked so hard on. And the whole time I was just so angry and _over it,_ whenever they would ask me what it was like I would tell a different story. They never did figure out I was just fucking with them.”

Goodwin snickered. “But, it was definitely bad, right?”

“Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeah. Indescribable. Wait maybe I said that already. But if I had to it’s like. It’s like there’s a sword through me I never quite got out. And being dead _was_ the stabbing, just the moment of being skewered stretched to infinity.”

“And yet you’re not happy having been brought back?”

“I dunno, I just felt like, I never asked to be brought back, and then I was and I just thought, great, now I owe something to every single person in Blaseball for putting together this huge plan to consolidate votes and defy death? How am I supposed to measure up to that?” Jaylen exhaled sharply out of her nose. “And then it turned out that wasn’t even the biggest debt I owed.” Jaylen closed her eyes briefly and shrugged. “Or maybe it was all the same debt. Who knows. I dunno. Ever felt like you got forced into a body that wasn’t yours? This is their body, not mine, not my fault what it does.”

Jaylen dug her fingers into the flesh of her calf and registered faint surprise when she felt her pulse through it. More than one way to skin a cat, it seemed.

“I’m not sure if it’s quite the same feeling,” answered Goodwin after a moment of thought, “but I think I felt something along those lines when I was given my powers! It was from an election, you know, I used to look… well, more normal! But my arms come in useful and I have a ridiculous assortment of stars to my name, so maybe I can’t complain!”

Jaylen smirked. “Goodwin, do you even know who you’re talking to? Complaining is all I do, you’re in great company.”

“Sorry if it’s not my place to say,” said Goodwin, “but I’m very glad you were brought back, if only for selfish reasons! I would never have had this conversation, or this wonderful pizza, if you were not!”

“This pizza isn’t even good, Morin, you’ve just literally never had good food before,” laughed Jaylen. Then, much quieter: “But. Um. Thank you.”

“If you would like me to say it again later so it can make you happy, I will!”

“No. No, uh,” said Jaylen, casting her eyes down at her largely uneaten meal, “it made me happy. Even now.”

Goodwin nodded and took a sip of her drink. Jaylen thought for a moment. She loosened her grip on her legs and let them fall back under the table, feeling the myriad twinges as blood returned to circulating through them.

“Hey Goodwin, you still hungry?”

“Starved!”

“Wanna finish mine? I don’t wanna carry leftovers.”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

*******

**> kichiro <**

**jaylen14:** can’t believe We got in here for free this place is like really nice.

 **toughlove:** thats a perk of bein a lover baybeeeeeee

 **toughlove:** knights always talkin about raisin our cultural awareness or some shittttt

 **toughlove:** so they got some museums to sponsor us n hey if they make primo fkn date spots????

 **toughlove:** hella bonus

 **jaylen14:** she’s Been staring at the same painting for like ten minutes.

 **jaylen14:** It’s adorable but also i’m starting to get worried.

 **toughlove:** sldfjkhsdkjfhskdjhfksj

 **toughlove:** u sure know how to fkn pick em bitch

 **jaylen14:** always Have.

 **jaylen14:** hey wait oh my god this Is a date right?

 **jaylen14:** why did i Just suddenly get worried about that.

 **toughlove:** idk does it matter

 **jaylen14:** ummmmm I guess not i mean idk it’s hard to judge without some kinda physical exchange?

 **jaylen14:** we had sort Of a deep talk but what if it was just a friendly deep talk???

 **toughlove:** u had a deep talk??????? on the first date???????????

 **toughlove:** after i spexplicitly told u not to?????????????

 **jaylen14:** yeah i Did kichiro do you have a problem??

 **toughlove:** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh well if were playin fuckin CLALVINBALL OUT HERE

 **toughlove:** just fuckin ask her if its a dateeeeeeeeeeeeee who cares i guess

 **jaylen14:** you know what Fine i’ll just ask.

 **jaylen14:** ok i asked and she Just laughed at me.

 **toughlove:** sdkjfhsdkjfhsdkjhf serves your bitch ass right

 **jaylen14:** that probably means yes though Right.

 **toughlove:** lmaoooooo id say ya that sounds like a yes

 **toughlove:** enjoy ur date babes ^3~

 **toughlove:** ew that face turned out a lil wonky forget i sent that

* * *

**part 2: hit me where it hurts**

_“promise one day, you will hate me_

_but right now, just ride it out_

_ride it out, ride it out…”_

_“hit me where it hurts”, caroline polachek_

**> tillman <**

**tillyhendy69:** oh my god this shit is drivin me CRAZY its been like a month

 **tillyhendy69:** i wanna lose blaseball games again!!!! its wat i do i miss it!!!

 **jaylen14:** Calm down tillman it’s not that bad.

 **tillyhendy69:** ez for u to say gaylen u got urself a wholeass gf for the offseason

 **tillyhendy69:** its hard for th rest of us u kno??

 **jaylen14:** Tillman you literally have two boyfriends.

 **tillyhendy69:** yea n theyre both poggers as hell bc im so cool n attractive n shit

 **tillyhendy69:** we had a cuddle pile last nite so im fkn samdwiched between em on the couch rn

 **jaylen14:** wow that’s Pretty uncharacteristically adorable from you three?

 **tillyhendy69:** guess a fukin gain declan keeps tryna flip me off n mike SNORES like a mf

 **tillyhendy69:** got like two secs of sleep im fuckn CRANKY

 **jaylen14:** Lmaooooooo mike’s snoring is the worst.

 **jaylen14:** i Usually just elbowed him real hard, that shuts him up for a while.

 **jaylen14:** Or you could always just fucking smother him.

 **tillyhendy69:** jesus jay im not cranky enough to do a fuckin murder

 **jaylen14:** hmmm ok well Call me if you change your mind C;

 **tillyhendy69:** oh shit i got it ill put his cringe ass hand in some water

 **jaylen14:** Um.

 **tillyhendy69:** kk got out of the pile theyre still asleep

 **tillyhendy69:** operation is a go

 **jaylen14:** tillman i Don’t think this is a good idea.

 **tillyhendy69:** nah its gonna be fuckn poggers trust me

 **jaylen14:** Does this even solve your problem?

 **tillyhendy69:** what problem

 **jaylen14:** Ugh. Nevermind.

 **tillyhendy69:** okk the trap is set imma hide in the other room

 **tillyhendy69:** wow this is the first time ive been excited for like 3 weeks

 **jaylen14:** tillman Henderson that is a blatant lie

 **jaylen14:** you livetexted me about mike and declan’s “Ultimate rock paper scissors competition” in allcaps for a full 20 minutes last night

 **tillyhendy69:** o yea lmao ok that was pretty sick

 **jaylen14:** it’s incredible To me that they tied so many times in a row.

 **tillyhendy69:** what r u doin for fun jaylen

 **tillyhendy69:** besides textin ur gf about animal fuck island

 **jaylen14:** besides that? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

 **tillyhendy69:** holy shit dont think too hard

 **jaylen14:** I think mostly networking honestly?

 **tillyhendy69:** wtf kinda lame ass shit is that

 **jaylen14:** well I just figured it’d be nice to get people talking in between teams more.

 **jaylen14:** Like the pitchers groupchat i made, that sort of thing.

 **tillyhendy69:** what ptichers gc

 **jaylen14:** Ohhhhhh wait i forgot you’re not in that.

 **jaylen14:** oh Shit. fuck.

 **tillyhendy69:** jaylen wtf u made a gc without me

 **tillyhendy69:** holy shit wtf im pissed i cant believe this

 **jaylen14:** look. Ok hold on.

 **tillyhendy69:** after everything ive fuckin done for u!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** tillman what Have you ever done for me??

 **tillyhendy69:** i live texted you the rock paper scissors battle of a fuckin lifetime!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **tillyhendy69:** and this is the thx i get ??????

 **jaylen14:** look it’s Not like i don’t like you.

 **jaylen14:** well I mean, that’s true, but that’s not the reason i didn’t wanna include you i just.

 **jaylen14:** thought everyone else would Leave if i did?

 **tillyhendy69:** i cant believe this

 **tillyhendy69:** i cant believe this

 **tillyhendy69:** ur so fucking homophobic its beceause im a bottom isnt it

 **jaylen14:** tillman What??

 **tillyhendy69:** u betr put me in this gc right now or im gonna fuckin

 **jaylen14:** oh Yeah? what tillman. or What?

 **tillyhendy69:** ill fuckin cry and tell mike u were mean to me thats what!!!!! bitch!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** ………

 **tillyhendy69:** …………

 **jaylen14:** ok Fine one second.

**> pitchers strategy and discussion! <**

**jaylen14:** hey Everyone sorry about this in advance.

_===Jaylen has added Tillman Henderson to the chat!===_

**trombetsy:** oh nooooooooo

 **riverdenial:** ohhh noooooooooo!!!!!

 **pwheeler:** Oh Nooooooo!!!!!!

 **thedot:** oh no.

 **snideybiggs:** oh noooo lmaoooooo

 **yesallgods:** Oh no.

 **gmorin:** Oh nooooooooo XO

 **gunther:** quack!

 **tillyhendy69:** lmaooooooo thats what i like to see whats up fuckers

 **trombetsy:** jaylen yyyyyyyyyyy

 **jaylen14:** look My hands were tied okay?

 **jaylen14:** it’s not going to be that bad and he is Technically a pitcher so.

 **trombetsy:** so tf is mike but u wouldnt let him in!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** well he’s not an active Pitcher.

 **snideybiggs:** hey tilly wtf is up lmaoooooo

 **tillyhendy69:** nothin much

 **tillyhendy69:** they let ur loser ass in here too?

 **snideybiggs:** lmao yeahhhhhh jaylen made a bunch of pitchers join

 **snideybiggs:** er i mean uh she asked us to join

 **jaylen14:** >:S

 **gmorin:** Oh that is a good emoticon Jaylen!! I hadn’t thought of using S as a squiggly mouth!!!!

 **riverdenial:** gay

 **tillyhendy69:** ur gay

 **riverdenial:** guilty as charged!

 **tillyhendy69:** ok wait i know most of yall losers who tf is  _@yesallgods_

**jaylen14:** oh that’s Gerund! she seemed cool so.

 **yesallgods:** Wait is this that tillman. The one who

 **trombetsy:** yes yes yes yes its THAT tillman

 **yesallgods:** Ive been told that if i see you i should tell you to fuck off.

 **yesallgods:** Fuck off tillman.

 **tillyhendy69:** mannnnnnn wtf j this bitch hasnt even pitched a single game yet?!??!?!?! whys she in here???

 **snideybiggs:** nah gerunds great lmao check this out

 **snideybiggs:** hey gerund how do u feel bout gods

 **jaylen14:** oh no snyder not Again i told you to stop antagonizing them.

 **yesallgods:** mY BLOOD IS ATTUNED TO ALL FREQUENCIES THAT DECLARE THEMSELVES HIGHER THAN MORALITY.

 **yesallgods:** i HAVE MADE MYSELF TO A BLADE WHICH RENDS THE SKY ITSELF.

 **yesallgods:** cALL ME DOWN AS A METEOR ROCKETING THROUGH BLACKEST NIGHT.

 **yesallgods:** mY FORCE SHALL DEFILE ALL HELD SANCTIFIED.

 **snideybiggs:** lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo

 **tillyhendy69:** holy fucking shit

 **trombetsy:** snyder fucking stop it stab stab stab

 **snideybiggs:** x0 im stab

 **trombetsy:** gerund calm down kk no gods here atm

 **yesallgods:** Oh. Okay.

 **jaylen14:** well uh Anyway. tillman we’ve been Talking about how often we like to throw changeups.

 **jaylen14:** do you Have an opinion or a style you prefer.

 **tillyhendy69:** uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the only changeup i know is changin th fuckin game on the daily

 **trombetsy:** ughhhhhhhhh stab stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** betsy stop. No stabs.

 **tillyhendy69:** haha too bad i fuckin dodged em all. cringe ass knife cant kill me

 **trombetsy:** stabstabstabstabstab!!!!!!!!!!

 **yesallgods:** Betsy i should point out that your knife form could use some work.

 **yesallgods:** You could do serious damage to your elbow stabbing like that.

 **snideybiggs:** (yo how tf can she tell that??????? lmaooooooooooo)

 **trombetsy:** stfu pantheobitch!!!!!!!!!!!!! S T A B

 **yesallgods:** (Draws Buster Sword) yOU DARE TO RAISE ARMS AGAINST MYSELF.

 **jaylen14:** holy Shit.

 **tillyhendy69:** lmao betsys finally gonna die

 **tillyhendy69:** get their ass gerund

 **gmorin:** This chat has gotten incredibly lively!!!!! Tillman does it again!!!!

 **gmorin:** Everywhere you go you spread excitement C:

 **jaylen14:** goodwin NO!

**> tillman <**

**jaylen14:** how do you Manage to sow chaos everywhere you go.

 **tillyhendy69:** not my fault

 **tillyhendy69:** ppl just lov me so much they go a lil stupid when i enter the chat

 **jaylen14:** ughhhhhhhhhhh I can’t believe you talked me into this.

 **tillyhendy69:** o shit hold on jay smths goin on outside i thnk my plan worked

 **jaylen14:** oh No.

 **tillyhendy69:** o shit o shit looks like mike turned over n knocked the water on dec

 **tillyhendy69:** that shit was super cold too he looks mad

 **jaylen14:** What? isn’t it Supposed to be warm water??

 **tillyhendy69:** o NOW u fkn tell me

 **tillyhendy69:** fck i think they know it was me

 **tillyhendy69:** o shit fuck

 **tillyhendy69:** jay

 **tillyhendy69:** jay tell mike to fkn stop

 **tillyhendy69:** ow ow ow these pillows fkn hurt

 **jaylen14:** riv to You but i’m different.

 **tillyhendy69:** jay that doesnt even make sense here wtf

**> ugh. betsy <**

**trombetsy:** >:c

 **trombetsy:** >:c

 **trombetsy:** >:cccccc

 **jaylen14:** when Should i expect the stabbing to start.

 **trombetsy:** stabstabstabstabstab

 **jaylen14:** oh There it goes.

 **jaylen14:** would it make you feel better If i acted like i was stabbed?

 **trombetsy:** ...yes

 **jaylen14:** I’ve been stabbed! XO

 **trombetsy:** hell yea

 **jaylen14:** anyway what Do you want, come here to tell me off for including tillman?

 **trombetsy:** nahhhh tbh i got it out of my system

 **trombetsy:** hes a pitcher and its ur chat so do what u want idc

 **jaylen14:** oh Wow i've never seen you so mature before.

 **trombetsy:** stfuuuuu look i only got so many stabs in me

 **jaylen14:** ugh. what a Nightmare.

 **jaylen14:** Was i dumb thinking i could make a place where people could just get along and share tips and stuff?

 **trombetsy:** uhhhhhh i mean look this is blaseball

 **trombetsy:** u cant put anymore than 2 ppl together w/o it getting crazy

 **jaylen14:** Yeahhhhh.

 **trombetsy:** but idt its a bad idea like sure wr messy bitches who spread chaos

 **trombetsy:** but that dont mean we cnt hang out n shit

 **jaylen14:** i was Just hoping that if we all talked we would feel more like a group.

 **jaylen14:** like Solidarity or something??? i dunno.

 **trombetsy:** oh my god j when did u get so fkn lameeeeeeeeee

 **jaylen14:** haha Sorry to burst your bubble.

 **jaylen14:** I guess now that the murder's out of my system all that's left is the lame.

 **trombetsy:** gotta get ur ass back n the murderin game

 **trombetsy:** i got a spare knife lets stick some bitches

 **jaylen14:** betsy i would Not feel ok with letting you murder someone.

 **trombetsy:** bitch!!!!!!!! ive murdered b4!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Right. :|

 **trombetsy:** u dont know whr i came from i did a whole like 4 seasns of nonstop murder!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** i find That hard to believe.

 **trombetsy:** believe it bitch!!!!!! cut cut stab!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Betsy if you really had killed anybody you would definitely not rp stabbing people in chat so much.

 **trombetsy:** i can do wtf i want

 **trombetsy:** but yea ur prob rite

 **trombetsy:** sigh schwing

 **jaylen14:** was that You putting the knife away?

 **trombetsy:** yeah :c

 **jaylen14:** Stab C:<

 **trombetsy:** :o

 **trombetsy:** xo

 **jaylen14:** you can never Let your guard down around me.

**> goodwin <3 <**

**gmorin:** Jaylen would you be able to assist me!!!

 **jaylen14:** course babe What do you need?

 **gmorin:** I am unable to get out of the starting area of my island D:

 **gmorin:** There are rivers in the way and they seem to be impassable!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh you gotta give Tom nook enough bugs.

 **gmorin:** I have given the Tanuki man several bugs!!!! How many more can he ask!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh Uh. has an owl Guy come to your island yet?

 **gmorin:** Ummmmmmm I believe I got a message that said someone was on their way???

 **jaylen14:** ohhhhhhhhhhh ok Yeah you gotta wait until tomorrow, then you’ll get a pole.

 **gmorin:** That is too long to wait!!!! My island begs to be discovered!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** I will simply set the console’s time forward C:<

 **jaylen14:** goodwin you had Better fucking not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** O:

 **jaylen14:** that’s The one thing you can’t do that’s like 100% cheating!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** Jaylen this is a single player game how could that be cheating??? Who does it hurt???

 **jaylen14:** your own Self!!!!!!! you’re not getting the Proper game experience!!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** But…… my pole :C

 **jaylen14:** here do You want to come over to my island instead?

 **gmorin:** Okay!!!! C:

 **jaylen14:** ummmmmmmmm Ok let me remember where i put my swlitch.

 **jaylen14:** ugh It’s out of power.

 **gmorin:** I can wait!!!!!

 **gmorin:** I will……… talk to this squirrel fellow!!!! He seems kind!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh you Started with him?

 **gmorin:** Yes!!!! I am talking to him right now!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** uhhhh Ok.

 **gmorin:** Conversing with this squirrel C:

 **jaylen14:** yeah I got it babe.

 **gmorin:** I am glad babe!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** lmao Goodwin you don’t gotta force yourself to use pet names.

 **gmorin:** But they are so fun!!!!! I love all of these new forms of address :D

 **jaylen14:** Ok finally this shit turned on.

 **jaylen14:** HP7XW

 **gmorin:** I am on my way!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh yeah Let me show you the bamboo garden I made.

 **gmorin:** Just show me the way!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** it’s Right across this bridge.

 **jaylen14:** …………

 **jaylen14:** hey Goodwin?

 **jaylen14:** Did you just pole over the river?

 **gmorin:** Oh I don’t know………… did I C:<

 **jaylen14:** goodwin fucking morin did you Time travel.

 **gmorin:** I am a cheater C:<

 **gmorin:** Your rules do not apply to me babe!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** i can’t fucking Believe i’m dating an animal crossing cheater.

 **jaylen14:** how Have i sunk so low.

 **jaylen14:** please Someone kill me a third time.

**> intervention <**

_===Mike has added Jaylen Hotdogfingers to the chat.===_

**extracredit:** jaylen betsy tells me you’re bullying them

 **extracredit:** cut it out

 **trombetsy:** yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** what The fuck???

 **jaylen14:** betsy did you fucking tell Mike on me???

 **trombetsy:** no he just noticed the fucking STABS u did on me

 **extracredit:** no yeah they definitely told on you

 **trombetsy:** mike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** oh my god I only did one stab!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** mike they do like 20 stabs a day!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** i do not stab stab stab

 **extracredit:** betsy

 **trombetsy:** oops

 **jaylen14:** See O:<

 **trombetsy:** jaylen u using those lameass emoji is just fkn creepy cut it out

 **jaylen14:** it’s not On purpose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** why did you choose that to pick up from goodwin and not the being nice

 **jaylen14:** i’m Super nice i’m so fucking nice all the time. to EVERYONE.

 **trombetsy:** how do u just fkn lie like that jaylen how do u log on everyday and just TELL LIES

 **jaylen14:** oh my god betsy Shut up!!!

 **trombetsy:** better people than u have tried to shut my ass up htdogfingrs!!!!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** ill shut up whn im fkn dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** that Can be arranged!!!

 **extracredit:** no it can’t jaylen

 **jaylen14:** just a Little bit?

 **extracredit:** no murders jaylen

 **jaylen14:** Ughhhhhhhhhh.

 **trombetsy:** hehehehehehe ur fkn whipped

 **extracredit:** betsy stop antagonizing her

 **trombetsy:** ok mike

 **extracredit:** you two are impossible. you’re my best friends can’t you just pretend to get along

 **jaylen14:** No.

 **trombetsy:** no

 **extracredit:** welp.

**> pitchers strategy and discussion! <**

**tillyhendy69:** no omg its so fkn annoyinggggg

 **tillyhendy69:** like all the advice ppl give me bout form n shit

 **tillyhendy69:** im like if i throw like that ill LITERALLY be throwin in the fkn dirt every time

 **trombetsy:** omg i know riteeeee its like

 **trombetsy:** excuuuse meeeee for not bein more than 5ft tall

 **trombetsy:** srry the gd mound is like half my height

 **tillyhendy69:** lmao climin mount fkn mount everytime i gotta pitch

 **trombetsy:** god literallyyyyyyy

 **yesallgods:** I also have this problem.

 **yesallgods:** Quitter makes fun of me by batting from their knees.

 **yesallgods:** I dont appreciate it very much.

 **tillyhendy69:** lmaooooooo thats fkn funny

 **trombetsy:** omg want me to kill thm for u

 **yesallgods:** Its okay. They help me edit my videos so. They are on my good side.

 **trombetsy:** wait videos wtf??

 **yesallgods:** I stream sometimes. Quitter helps with my vods.

 **gmorin:** Oh yes I was meaning to thank you for your last review video!!!!

 **gmorin:** You helped me decide which claymore to buy!!!!!!

 **gmorin:** It is very well balanced I will get good use out of it C:

 **yesallgods:** I am glad to hear it helped.

 **jaylen14:** …… hey babe what are You gonna use that big sword for.

 **gmorin:** Wouldn’t you like to know C:<

 **tillyhendy69:** oh my god shes gonna murk ur ass jay watch outtttt

 **trombetsy:** i always knew she was gonna snap somday,,,,,,,

 **yesallgods:** Jaylen if goodwin snaps know you will have an ally in myself.

 **yesallgods:** We godslayers must stick together.

 **jaylen14:** thank u gerund But i think i can handle my gf.

 **gmorin:** As for the pitching discussion I have a similar issue!!!!

 **gmorin:** Being so tall as to have to aim down to a shocking extent!!!!

 **gmorin:** I often end up putting the ball in the dirt by mistake >XO

 **trombetsy:** …

 **tillyhendy69:** …

 **yesallgods:** …

 **trombetsy:** hey goodwin how bout u fkn spread some of those inches around huh

 **tillyhendy69:** save sm fkn height for the rest of us u tall ass bitch

 **yesallgods:** Perhaps this is an injustice that could be righted with my blade.

 **gmorin:** Oh wow!!!! This must be the friendship ritual the Garages have told me about!!!!

 **gmorin:** Where we all “Rib” on each other to increase our camaraderie!!!!!

 **gmorin:** Let me try!!!

 **gmorin:** Maybe if you all teamed up you would be as tall as me C:

 **gmorin:** (Am I “Ribbing” correctly!!!!)

 **trombetsy:** holy shit im actually gonna kill her

 **trombetsy:** hey jay how do u feel about losin a gf

 **jaylen14:** Betsy trombone if you try it i will bean you into next fucking weekend.

 **yesallgods:** Battle lines are being drawn.

 **yesallgods:** The days of ragnarok approach.

 **pwheeler:** Hello I do not read this chat normally but I hear we are going to war.

 **pwheeler:** Jaylen as my teammate know you will have my sword.

 **jaylen14:** … thanks Percy.

 **tillyhendy69:** now THIS is the drama my offseason needed

**> micycle townshed <**

**jaylen14:** why are you and betsy Even friends in the first place.

 **jaylen14:** i leave For like a couple of seasons and get back and suddenly out of nowhere you two are besties??

 **extracredit:** haha i mean i know they can be a lot

 **extracredit:** but they’re actually pretty nice when they’re uh

 **extracredit:** not stabbing anything

 **jaylen14:** which is Never. That doesn’t happen.

 **extracredit:** you’d be surprised. maybe if you stopped giving them reasons to stab you?

 **jaylen14:** not my fault They take issue with every single thing.

 **extracredit:** anyway they’re fun. and they’re a great baker

 **jaylen14:** like i care lmao Baking is lame.

 **extracredit:** …

 **jaylen14:** Um. not When you do it mike. It suits you.

 **extracredit:** gee thanks

 **jaylen14:** you Know i didn’t mean it!!!

 **extracredit:** hmm you know what. i didn’t wanna have to do this

 **extracredit:** this is my last resort

**> intervention <**

**extracredit:** maybe what you two need just just to settle it in person

 **trombetsy:** lmao wtf

 **jaylen14:** mike that Sounds like a terrible idea.

 **jaylen14:** even For you.

 **extracredit:** look i’m at my wit’s end okay

 **extracredit:** if i have to have the two of you in my dms complaining about the other for any longer

 **extracredit:** i’m just gonna stay in the shadows forever and you’ll never see me again

 **trombetsy:** miiiiiiiiike nooooooooo

 **jaylen14:** come On mike stop being such a baby.

 **trombetsy:** dont talk to mike like that stabbbbb!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Mike they stabbed me.

 **trombetsy:** dont be such a bitch it was just a little one

 **extracredit:** i’m having both of you over to my apartment

 **extracredit:** you are going to sit down and talk this out

 **extracredit:** this beef or whatever you two have is driving me up a wall

 **jaylen14:** you know What mike? Fine.

 **jaylen14:** i am fully Capable of resolving my conflicts peacefully and maturely.

 **extracredit:** … says the person who spent four entire seasons throwing blaseballs at people.

 **jaylen14:** that was Then!!!!!! I’m basically a new person now!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** oh u think u can be more mature than me??????? bitch im the most mature bitch uve ever seen

 **jaylen14:** maybe i’d Believe that if you were taller than a six year old.

 **trombetsy:** ksdjhfksdjhf STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB

 **extracredit:** betsy.

 **trombetsy:** STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB

 **extracredit:** betsy calm it down.

 **trombetsy:** STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB

 **extracredit:** nice going jaylen you broke betsy

 **jaylen14:** Lmaoooooooooooo.

 **trombetsy:** STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB

* * *

“Damn bitch, you live like this?” was the first thing Betsy said upon entering Mike’s apartment. They had a point. Jaylen flicked the light as she entered. Nothing happened and the room remained in total darkness.

“haha sorry! i guess the bulbs are broken, i didn’t really notice,” said Mike, ghosting over to the window shades. Opening them let in a bit of light, but given that they were under a typically gloomy Seattle sky, the room was hardly well-lit. What light there was illuminated a sparsely-decorated room, not much more than the table and a couch in front of it, a bed off in the corner, and a small TV. A miniscule kitchen space was carved into a group of shadows that must’ve been a wall.

“Here, I got it,” said Betsy, flipping out a zlippo lighter, setting it alight, and placing it on the low table in the center of the room.

“Betsy please don’t light Mike’s apartment on fire oh my god.”

“here, i got it,” said Mike, picking up the lighter and placing it on a stray plate.

“You two are such fucking wimps it would’ve been fine,” said Betsy.

“Well _excuse me_ for being a bit sensitive around fire, Betsy.”

“Yeah? Yeah? What, can’t take a little fire?? Huh??” Betsy grabbed the lighter and started thrusting it towards Jaylen.

“hey betsy cut it out.”

Jaylen flinched back at the fire in her face. With her eyes closed she threw her hand out and managed to flip the cap of the lighter down and snatch it out of Betsy’s hand.

“Mike, I’m confiscating this from them. They can’t be trusted with it.”

“What the fuck! That’s mine, Mike! She stole my lighter!”

“your fault for messing with her,” said Mike.

Betsy scowled. They may actually have given a bit of a growl. Jaylen looked down at the other pitcher. Jaylen was a bit taller than average, around Mike’s height, and so she was mildly used to looking down at people. But not many compared to the positively tiny Betsy Trombone, still in their Garages uniform after coming here directly from practice. Their unevenly trimmed hair poked out from under their cap. The overall effect was that Betsy Trombone was utterly, effortlessly adorable. Even the switchblade they were drawing from their pocket with a _schwing_ couldn’t fully dispel the impression.

“Take this!!” shouted Betsy, thrusting the knife towards Jaylen, only for their arm to stop midflight.

“absolutely none of this tonight betsy,” said Mike, holding Betsy’s arm back mid-stab. “hand it over.”

“But…. but… my knife… How will I do my stabs…?”

“now, betsy.”

With a huge pout on their face, Betsy de-schwinged the knife and placed it in Mike’s palm. Mike let go of their arm, leaving small wisps of shadow residue behind. Jaylen was so moved by the utter defeat on their face that she almost stepped in on Betsy’s behalf before she thought better of it. As Mike turned to the kitchen to pop the knife into a drawer, Jaylen distracted herself by looking around the apartment as she checked her pulse.

“Wait a minute Mike, you’re in the shadows, how do you still have your old apartment.”

“haha i dunno, no one’s brought it up yet. i doubt many people are clamoring to move into this place so it probably would’ve stayed empty anyways.”

“Do ya like, hang out here?” asked Betsy.

“um not really too much, but it’s nice to have a place to have company over.”

“Mike if you’re saying there’s a big demand to hang out in your shitty apartment I don’t believe you,” said Jaylen.

“well. it’s true. i have plenty of people over. all my best friends.”

“Uh huh.” Jaylen and Betsy looked at him with the same disbelieving expression.

“anyway! both of you get on the couch. i read an article online about how to do this.”

Jaylen shot a worried glance down at Betsy, who didn’t receive it. They crossed their arms and huffily plopped onto the couch. “Got any coffee?” they asked.

“i do but wait until after. don’t want you getting hyped on caffeine before i try to intervention you two.”

“I don’t think intervention is a verb,” corrected Jaylen.

“it is the way i do it,” said Mike. “ok, couch time.”

“Fine, fine,” said Jaylen, positioning herself on the couch as far away from Betsy as possible, on principle.

“okay awesome! good first step! now uh, i’m supposed to start by saying that nothing you say will stop me from being either of your friends! because i value both of your friendships very much!”

“Nerd.”

“Loser.”

“haha okay! the next thing it says to do is to get you both agree to respect my decisions! if i decide that someone’s in the right or take someone’s side, that’s final and you have to respect it, okay?”

“Mike, no offense,” said Jaylen, “but I have never respected you once in all the years I’ve known you.”

“haha wow okay.”

“Lmao got him.”

“Betsy don’t say ‘lmao’ like ‘ell-mow’ it’s super gross, you sound like Tillman.”

“I do not!!!! Get over here bitch!!!!” And Betsy leapt across the couch, putting their hand into their pocket and pulling out the air where their switchblade used to be. They made the motion for flicking out the switchblade before they noticed they didn’t have it anymore. Stopping in midflight, Betsy took a moment to register the situation before quietly going back to their position on the couch, drawing the brim of their hat over their eyes.

“It’s not fair…” they whined, faintly.

“Oh my god,” said Jaylen, halfway concerned. “Are you actually crying?”

“No!!!” said Betsy through their tears. “I just… feel so tiny without it…”

“that’s because you are tiny, betsy,” offered Mike unhelpfully. Jaylen shot him a glare as Betsy sunk further into the couch.

*******

“okay. step one, discover the source of the conflict. uhhhhh, jaylen let’s start with you, why do you think betsy has a problem with you.”

“Jeez I dunno, usually people like me great,” Jaylen said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe something to do with the murders or the general havoc I subjected the entire league to?”

“Pfft, you think I care about murders? I’ve killed more people than you, probably like fifty more.”

“betsy i find it hard to believe you’ve killed someone.”

“Well I totally have, so! Shows how much you know!” protested Betsy, face beginning to blush.

Jaylen sighed. “I dunno. Maybe because I swapped them off Philly? Maybe they’re just a little brat. Or mayyyyyyyyybe once I came back they weren’t Mike’s only friend anymore. Might have something to do with it, I dunno.”

“Sh- shut up!! That has nothing to do with it…” Betsy’s blush was deepening and Jaylen couldn’t help but feel a twist of satisfaction from putting them on the spot like this.

“haha ok! and betsy, why do you think jaylen has a problem with you?”

“Uh, probably cause she’s a huge fucking bitch? And she’s just fucking awful and wants to ruin everyone’s life??”

“Damn, got it in one,” said Jaylen, reclining over the arm of the couch. “Nice one Betsy. Maybe if your pitching was that accurate you’d have more than one star.”

“Mike Townsend give me my knife right fucking now I’m gonna send her right the fuck back I swear to god third time’s a charm bitch…” Words came spilling from Betsy’s mouth as Jaylen sat back and chuckled.

“betsy. betsy stop. i am not giving you your knife back.”

*******

Mike managed to calm down Betsy enough to start the next phase of the intervention. Betsy’s pout was reaching never before seen heights and it was taking everything in Jaylen’s power not to lean over and pinch their cheeks. She checked her pulse instead.

“haha yeah, okay next thing it says is to explain to you two how your conflict hurts me. uh, mostly it’s annoying when you dm me about the other one? so, don’t do that i guess. also i just don’t like seeing either of you angry? but, mainly i just wish you could get along so i wouldn’t have to step in and stop you all the time. haha.”

Betsy and Jaylen raised their eyebrows at him in concert.

“Hey uh, Mike? Is this like, anywhere _close_ to the worst thing I’ve done to you?” asked Jaylen.

“uhh. nope.” Jaylen had fun imagining what Mike’s mind flashed back to.

“Great. So I don’t really care.”

“Jaylen!! Stop bullying Mike! You’re so mean, what has he ever done to you but support and try to help you?”

Jaylen scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Well _I_ for one am very sorry, Mike!” said Betsy, “and I can assure you when I’m stabbing the shit out of Hotdogbitch, you will definitely not get a dm from me about it!”

Why is that the place everyone puts the bitch? wondered Jaylen.

“haha um, i don’t think that’s quite what i’m after betsy? but thank you for the consideration.”

“No, I got it, you just want us both not to bother you, right? So let’s just leave him alone, what do you say, Betsy?”

“Y- you know what?” they said, picking up on Jaylen’s meaning. “You’re right, Jay! Let’s just leave Mike alone! Forever!”

“h- hey, come on you two,” stammered Mike, “coming to a resolution is supposed to be the last step of the intervention, we’re not there yet.”

“Haha wow Jaylen did you hear something!!” smirked Betsy.

“Nnnnnope, not a thing. Just the two of us in this unoccupied apartment.”

“Two pitchers in an empty apartment!! What will they do!!”

“real mature you two.”

“Dang it’s sure too bad that we couldn’t hear anyone from the shadows even if they were here!!” said Jaylen.

“Way way too bad! But even if someone like that were here, which they definitely 100% aren’t, we wouldn’t be able to hear them at all!”

“What a tragic splort we play where such tragedies befall both the good and the wicked!!”

“oh my fucking god. okay whatever i can’t be around you two. i’m stepping out. when i get back the two of you better be ready to finish out this intervention the right way.”

Betsy and Jaylen continued pretending to ignore him until Mike headed for the door and rolled his eyes, letting it close hard behind him. The two of them waited for a moment, then looked at each other and laughed.

“Serves him right for putting us through this,” said Jaylen.

“Serves him right for trapping me here with _you,”_ said Betsy.

“Oh, you think that’s bad?” smirked Jaylen, “try being trapped here with you.”

“Fuck outta here, I’m a light in everyone’s life.”

“You’re like a check engine light. You show up out of nowhere, don’t do much, but we can’t get rid of you.”

“Oh my god I cannot _believe_ how lame that was. Literally top ten lamest things I’ve ever been called.”

“As if you could do anything better.”

“What, like calling you a self-absorbed bitch who can’t control her own image? Or pointing out that you try to be such a loner badass and yet you can’t even get rid of one total loser who’s made it his job to keep you out of trouble?”

“Th- those aren’t even accurate,” said Jaylen, turning her head away and hoping Betsy wouldn’t be able to read on her face that they’d just struck a bullseye.

“Pffft, whatever Jay.”

Jaylen turned around, staring daggers at Betsy’s smug expression. “Y- you know what?” Betsy’s nose was scrunched up and the way they were tilting their head back made their bangs fall wispy down almost into their eyes. “Y- you…” As Jaylen stammered Betsy continued to get smugger, dimples beginning to form on their cheeks. “You’re just-!!” and before Jaylen could get the insult out her eyes fell across Betsy’s pressed together lips and she noticed just how full and pouty they looked and all that came out was “...so cute….”

Jaylen had been a part of some awkward silences in her time. But the sheer intensity of this one may have taken the cake. She didn’t know what color she was turning right now. She could only hope it wasn’t as bright and obvious as it was on Betsy’s face.

She did her best to turn her face haughty. “Oh my god you should _see_ how embarrassed you look right now. Serves you right.”

“H- hey! That’s not fair!!”

“What’s not fair,” taunted Jaylen. “Serves you right, I think.”

“W- well!! You’re not even cute at all! Not even a little bit, uggo.”

“Pfft,” said Jaylen, confident in a way that only someone who’s a bit of a narcissist can be. “You and I both know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, it’s not… You’re actually like super hot…”

Jaylen had no idea what face she made.

“Uh- um!! I mean…” stammered Betsy, and some part of Jaylen that was still on fire after all these seasons drove her forward, closing just a bit of the distance between the two of them.

“Hmmmmmmm,” she said, “Now isn’t this interesting. I’m not sure I quite heard you right, Betsy?”

“Well, that’s good, because fuck you I didn’t say shit.”

“That’s not quite how I remember it… I know you said something about me…”

Betsy wrapped their arms around themself and shrugged. “Just that you’re hot. Which, like, whatever. Plenty of people are hot. Doesn’t make you special.”

“I didn’t ask if I was special, dumbass.”

“I- I don’t care what you asked! I’m just telling you the truth. Bitch.”

“Your words are even sharper than your knife, Betsy Trombone,” Jaylen said with as much sarcasm as her voice could muster. “I bet you don’t even wanna kiss me right now.”

Betsy turned red all over their body, as red as the flannel they were wearing under their uniform. “Wh- what the fuck are you talking about??? Of course I don’t wanna… kiss you…” Betsy couldn’t take it anymore and broke eye contact, and Jaylen began congratulating herself on the victory. Until Betsy mumbled something she couldn’t hear.

“What was that?”

“I said… uh…” Betsy was speaking more timidly than Jaylen had ever heard them before. “Well… thinking about it again… kissing you might not be… the worst thing…”

The thought suddenly occurred to Jaylen that she might in fact be way over her head.

“Uh… w- well…”

“Well what!!” said Betsy, wheeling around. “What about you!!”

“Me??”

“Yes you!! Y- you can’t just say all that stuff and then chicken out!!”

“Uh… Well…” Jaylen turned her head away, but she could still feel Betsy glaring at her from the side. “I mean… I guess I don’t… _not_ want to kiss you…”

“Huh??” shrieked Betsy, moving their glare closer to Jaylen’s hidden face. “What the fuck does that mean??”

“Uh… well… it means…” Jaylen chanced a look back and oh my _god_ Betsy was so close and their eyes were like really big and they were staring at her with only an ounce of remaining reservation left and then all at once every cell in Jaylen’s body said a resounding-

“Fuck it!!” screamed Jaylen. “Ugh. One sec.” Jaylen flipped out her cell phone.

**> goodwin <3 <**

**jaylen14:** hey goodwin um Long story im in the middle of something rn but is it ok if i makeout w betsy trombone

 **jaylen14:** i know we haven’t talked About anything like this yet and i SUPER will not if you’re not comfortable with it

 **jaylen14:** but i think I would very much like to make out with them right now???

 **gmorin:** Um!! Hi Jaylen!!!

 **gmorin:** I think that would be okay C:

 **gmorin:** Just be safe and also we should have a longer conversation tomorrow!!

 **jaylen14:** bet

 **gmorin:** Have fun!! <3

Jaylen flipped the phone away and moved, tentatively, across the last bit of distance separating her from Betsy.

**_~~~FEEDBACK DETECTED~~~_ **

**_POV has switched from Jaylen Hotdogfingers to Mike Townsend!_ **

**> declan suzanne <**

**extracredit:** oh my god i’m gonna flip!

 **d3cl4n:** what’s up babe??

 **extracredit:** jaylen and betsy are driving me up a wall

 **d3cl4n:** haha i coulda fuckin told u that would happen

 **d3cl4n:** don’t they like totally hate each other?

 **extracredit:** they hate each other so much, declan.

 **extracredit:** and i don’t really know what to do about it.

 **extracredit:** the wlikihow article i found didn’t help at all

 **d3cl4n:** what??? wlikihow always works whenever i tried it

 **d3cl4n:** they had that article about how to get a goth gf?

 **d3cl4n:** and look at me now i’m dating you tillman

 **d3cl4n:** close enough

 **extracredit:** lmao

 **extracredit:** ok i’m just gonna give them like a couple of minutes

 **extracredit:** hopefully they don’t destroy my apartment while i’m gone.

 **d3cl4n:** not like there’s anything worth much in that apartment lmao

 **extracredit:** shut up declan

 **d3cl4n:** just sayin

 **extracredit:** i just!

 **extracredit:** i dunno. they’re both really important to me!

 **extracredit:** jaylen’s been my friend for literally forever

 **extracredit:** and betsy’s so cool and so fun but also like really genuine you know??

 **d3cl4n:** babe you have the weirdest fucking taste in friends

 **extracredit:** god i know, don’t i?

 **extracredit:** boyfriends too

 **d3cl4n:** lmao heyy!!

 **extracredit:** am i wrong

 **d3cl4n:** not at all but that doesn’t mean u should say it

 **extracredit:** ugh. i dunno if i should go in yet

 **extracredit:** what’s tillman up to?

 **d3cl4n:** uhhhhh tilly’s

 **d3cl4n:** huh i dunno

 **extracredit:** … that’s concerning

 **d3cl4n:** yea ur tellin me im findin him right now

 **d3cl4n:** oh my god he’s on top of the cabinets

 **extracredit:** lmaoooo what??

 **d3cl4n:** i’m yelling at him to get down

 **d3cl4n:** oh my god he just hissed at me

 **extracredit:** did tillman go feral while we weren’t looking??

 **d3cl4n:** i’m getting the fucking broom

 **extracredit:** if he needs shots i can vlenmo you lmao

 **d3cl4n:** lmao

 **extracredit:** oooooooookkkkkkk guess i better go back in

 **d3cl4n:** ok good luck dude call if you need anything

 **d3cl4n:** oh shit where’d tillman go

 **d3cl4n:** oh my god he could be anywhere

 **d3cl4n:** haaaaaaaaaah

 **d3cl4n:** ...

 **d3cl4n:** you back yet?

 **d3cl4n:** baaaaaaaaaaabe

 **extracredit:** holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit

 **extracredit:** ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god!!!!!!!!!!!

 **d3cl4n:** which one of them is dead lmao

 **extracredit:** no they’re not dead they’re goddamn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** they’re making out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** on my fucking couch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** like!!!!!!!!!!! a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **d3cl4n:** lmao poggers dude, problem solved!

* * *

**part 3: new normal**

_“last night i dreamed_

_you and i were immortal_

_it’s no big deal,_

_this new kind of normal...”_

_“new normal”, caroline polachek_

**> betsy trombone <**

**trombetsy:** heyyyyyyyyy mike

 **trombetsy:** do you think jaylen like

 **trombetsy:** likes me???????

 **extracredit:** i mean before last night i would’ve said no but

 **extracredit:** it seemed like you were getting along

 **extracredit:** um

 **extracredit:** a bit better at the end there?

 **trombetsy:** >:c dont be a dick about it

 **trombetsy:** super rude of you to walk in

 **extracredit:** it’s my apartment!!

 **trombetsy:** ok but like

 **trombetsy:** has she said anything about me?

 **extracredit:** uh

 **extracredit:** not to my knowledge

 **extracredit:** wait hold on

**> jaylen hotdogfingers <**

**jaylen14:** Heyyyyyyy mike.

 **jaylen14:** Do you Think betsy like.

 **jaylen14:** Likes me??

 **extracredit:** oh my fucking god

 **jaylen14:** is that A no?

 **extracredit:** ughhh well it seemed like you were getting along by the end of last night

 **jaylen14:** No reason to Be a dick about it.

 **jaylen14:** it was Incredibly rude of you to walk in by the way.

 **extracredit:** oh my god its literally my apartment!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** you two are impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** What do you mean you two

 **jaylen14:** have They said anything about me??

 **extracredit:** aaaaaaaaaaaaa

**> goodwin morin <**

**gmorin:** Hello Mike!! I wanted to inquire if you think Jaylen likes me!!

 **extracredit:** goodwin you're literally already dating her

 **gmorin:** Oh that's right!!

 **gmorin:** Hooray :D

**_~~~FEEDBACK DETECTED~~~_ **

**_POV has switched from Mike Townsend to Jaylen Hotdogfingers!_ **

**> micycle townshed <**

**extracredit:** oh my god its literally my apartment!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** you two are impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** What do you mean you two

 **jaylen14:** have They said anything about me??

 **extracredit:** aaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **jaylen14:** michael if they Have then you’re obligated to tell me.

 **jaylen14:** i’m pretty sure that’s the bro Code.

 **jaylen14:** and we’re bros, Aren’t we???

 **extracredit:** holy shit it was better when you two hated each other

 **extracredit:** look you two can figure it out yourselves

_===Mike has added Betsy Trombone to the chat.===_

**jaylen14:** wwwwwhat hey Mike huh.

_===Mike Townsend has left the chat.===_

**jaylen14:** Michael!!!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** omg lmaoooooooo he got ur ass

 **jaylen14:** wait A minute this just put us back in our dms with each other.

 **trombetsy:** god what a fucker

 **jaylen14:** help Me kill him?

 **trombetsy:** bet

 **jaylen14:** ugh. Well. this might As well happen i guess.

 **jaylen14:** betsy how is your Brain doing is it working at all.

 **trombetsy:** lmao no its like 5 hours before when i usually wake up

 **jaylen14:** Betsy it’s 11am.

 **trombetsy:** lmaoooooooooooo

 **jaylen14:** well Wake up then i guess. we’re having.

 **jaylen14:** a Conversation.

 **trombetsy:** ohhhhh shittttttttttttt

 **trombetsy:** [ominous music n shit playin]

 **trombetsy:** [lightning bolts noises n shit]

 **trombetsy:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **jaylen14:** holy Shit you’re lucky you’re so cute.

_===Jaylen has added Goodwin Morin to the chat.===_

**trombetsy:** oh shit

 **trombetsy:** hey gwin

 **gmorin:** Would I say that like the name “Gwen” O:

 **trombetsy:** ugh no thats lame its like g-win

 **trombetsy:** ok i wont type it whatever

 **gmorin:** No!!!!!! I like it!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** aight gwin

 **gmorin:** Yessssssss :D

_===Jaylen has changed the chat name to ‘CONVO ZONE DO NOT ENTER’.===_

**jaylen14:** morning Goodwin.

 **gmorin:** Good Morin!!!!

 **trombetsy:** wtf thats ur own ass name

 **jaylen14:** i said it to her once and She like it so much she says it all the time now.

 **trombetsy:** jay if u ever try that cutesy shit on me its stab o clock

 **gmorin:** I don’t know it seems like that wasn’t quite how things went last night!!!!

 **trombetsy:** aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA shut up shut shut up stfuuuuuuuuuuuu stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** geez betsy i’m sorry Making out with me was so shameful apparently.

 **trombetsy:** i mean

 **trombetsy:** not rlly but

 **trombetsy:** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 **jaylen14:** Yes?

 **jaylen14:** C:<

 **gmorin:** C:<

 **trombetsy:** oh my god im in emoji fuck paradise get me the fuckkkkkkkk outta here

 **jaylen14:** betsy i Am going to say it.

 **trombetsy:** omg wtf

 **jaylen14:** What.

 **trombetsy:** o shit

 **jaylen14:** Are.

 **gmorin:** O:

 **jaylen14:** We.

 **trombetsy:** oh nooooooooooooooooo

 **trombetsy:** phshshshhshshhshshshshhshshshsh vwoooooooooooosh

 **trombetsy:** that was me blowin up like one of those guys in that lawyer game

 **trombetsy:** uh but srsly tho idrk?

 **trombetsy:** do u wanna just try bein semi nice to each other n hang out n maybe smooch occasionally n see where that goes?

 **jaylen14:** Oh. um, Okay.

 **jaylen14:** Huh, somehow i thought this would be more difficult.

 **trombetsy:** o i mean if thats wat u want i can do the whole omg i dunnooooooooooooo

 **trombetsy:** my feeeeeeeeeeeelingsssssssssssssssssssssssss

 **trombetsy:** but im tired so i dont rlly feel like it

 **jaylen14:** no Trust me this is way better. I was feeling sort of the same way myself.

 **jaylen14:** what About goodwin?

 **trombetsy:** ummmmmm idk she seems cool hey gwin ur like super fkn tall rite

 **gmorin:** Yes!!!

 **trombetsy:** k good enough for me

 **gmorin:** And you like to stab things, correct???

 **trombetsy:** hell yea fkn rite

 **gmorin:** Then that is good enough for me as well C:

 **jaylen14:** oh my God. this Was so easy.

 **jaylen14:** wait Does.

 **jaylen14:** does This mean that i’m the high maintenance one in this relationship???

 **trombetsy:** jay ur the ONLY one who hadnt already figured that out

 **gmorin:** We love you just the way you are Jaylen!!!

 **trombetsy:** hey hey hey woah woah dont rope me into the fkn love thing yet hold the fukn horses

 **trombetsy:** im nowhere near that shit yet

 **trombetsy:** plus you still havent heard my terms

 **jaylen14:** i Knew this was too easy.

 **gmorin:** What would you like, Betsy!!!

 **trombetsy:** … i wanna be a gf too

 **jaylen14:** i Mean yeah sure that sounds okay! Is this like a gender thing or?

 **trombetsy:** nah dont get me wrong they still aint invented a gender rad enough for me

 **trombetsy:** but if im gonna be in a relationship im gonna compete on an even fuckin level

 **trombetsy:** ppl are gonna say dam betsys the best gf in that bitch

 **trombetsy:** betsys the cool hot gf

 **trombetsy:** jaylen and goodwin r the lucky gfs betsys the real standout gf

 **jaylen14:** hooooooooooooooly Shit. Never change, betsy.

 **jaylen14:** Uh. well Then.

_===Jaylen has changed the chat name to ‘gf central’.===_

**jaylen14:** i Now hereby christen us “exploring the space”.

 **trombetsy:** sick

 **gmorin:** This is wonderful!!!

 **trombetsy:** im goin tf back to sleep

 **jaylen14:** Goodnight betsy.

 **gmorin:** Sweet Dreams!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** vom

**> kichiro <**

**toughlove:** kjdhfgkdfjghkdfjghkjdfhg

 **toughlove:** dfkjghkdfjhgkjdfhgkjdhfgkfdjghkdfjhg

 **toughlove:** sdjflskdjflksjdlfksjdlkfjsd !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** use your Words kichiro.

 **toughlove:** no im just gonna keep keysmashing at u i think!!!!!!!!!!!

 **toughlove:** kdsjfhkdjhkdfjhkjhldkfslkdjflskdflskdfj

 **jaylen14:** Kichiro mike’s couch is really uncomfortable i’m too grumpy for this.

 **toughlove:** ur still on the couch????????????

 **toughlove:** and????????? betsy??????????????

 **jaylen14:** is At their house. where they have been Since running away early last night.

 **toughlove:** dam makeouts so bad they gotta run?

 **toughlove:** jay if u ever wanna practice hmu this sounds like an emergency

 **jaylen14:** You know it wasn’t that, kichiro.

 **toughlove:** lmaooooooooooo ya ok ok ok no dont worry ik the whole sitch

 **jaylen14:** wait What how.

 **toughlove:** bitch i have my methods

 **toughlove:** also betsy twleeted about it

 **jaylen14:** What?????????

 **toughlove:** yea bitch has mad active twlitter presence kinda wild

 **jaylen14:** ugh i’m gonna Kill them.

 **toughlove:** aw hell yeah i knew youd be back 2 murderin someday

 **toughlove:** knight owes me like fifty bucks

 **jaylen14:** You’re next on the list guerra.

 **toughlove:** lmaooooooooooooo

 **toughlove:** anyway babes whose next on the seduction queue

 **toughlove:** i hear jess t is free these days

 **jaylen14:** ok that Tears it i am actually going to murder you i am going to throw blaseballs at you until one works.

 **toughlove:** lmaoooooooooooo dlkfgjsldfjsldfjsldkjfldskjf

 **jaylen14:** it’s Not funny.

 **toughlove:** sry sry sry sry omg ur just so ez sometimes lmaoooooooooo

 **jaylen14:** >:C

 **toughlove:** awwwwww dont pout at me u kno i cant take it

 **toughlove:** sry sry sry~!!!

 **jaylen14:** it’s Fine.

 **toughlove:** but like fr whats ur plans

 **jaylen14:** my Plans are to fucking try to get any more sleep on this couch.

 **jaylen14:** Or maybe just go out and get food. there’s nothing in mike’s fridge and I’m starving.

 **toughlove:** ok sounds good ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ cx

 **jaylen14:** What’s with the smug?

 **toughlove:** ohhhhh just thinkin~

 **toughlove:** it seems like just yesterday you came to th lovrs

 **toughlove:** and look at u!!!! already went out n got two gfs all on ur own!!!!!!!! c’x

 **toughlove:** they grow up soooooooo fast ~ ~ ~

 **jaylen14:** oh My god bean bean bean bean bean.

 **jaylen14:** that’s the blaseballs i’m Throwing at you.

 **toughlove:** x0 im beaned

 **jaylen14:** Wait a minute did i just steal betsy’s thing too.

 **jaylen14:** oh my God wtf is wrong with me.

 **toughlove:** lmaooooo dont worry babes its ADORABLE trust me

 **toughlove:** anywai feel free to kick it in seattle for a while

 **toughlove:** meng says ur pitching still looks fine so as long as ur keeping active no reason 4 u 2 be round

 **jaylen14:** don’t Worry, i’m pretty sure i still know where the good gyms are.

 **toughlove:** you know what jay

 **toughlove:** u may not have love blood

 **toughlove:** but ur a true lover thru n thru c’’’’’’’’’x

 **jaylen14:** … Thanks kichiro.

 **toughlove:** make sure u all sync ur schedules in gloogle calendar ok itll save u a buncha headaches

 **jaylen14:** I know kichiro.

 **toughlove:** ok im runnin lov u b mwah

 **jaylen14:** love You too kichiro.

**> goodwin <3 <**

**gmorin:** Can I ask you something!!!

 **jaylen14:** Course. I'm getting ready to head out rn.

 **gmorin:** I just wanted to confirm something for myself to prevent me from worrying!!!

 **gmorin:** But you do not have to answer if you don't want to C:

 **jaylen14:** lmao goodwin no We gotta talk about stuff. communication is Key or something like that.

 **gmorin:** Okay I'm not very used to it but I will do my best!!!

 **gmorin:** I know it’s silly!!!!

 **gmorin:** But I was just wondering if my distaste with being touched was an issue for you O:

 **jaylen14:** noooooo babe it’s literally Not a problem at all! absolutely promise.

 **gmorin:** I know!!! And you have told me as much before C:

 **gmorin:** It just seemed that last night you were so excited about the makeouts!!!

 **gmorin:** And it made me feel an emotion!!!

 **gmorin:** I’m not good enough at them to put a name to it :C

 **jaylen14:** goodwin No!!! i’m not trying to replace You with someone who’ll make out with me.

 **jaylen14:** and i don’t Wanna do anything you’re uncomfortable with and uh

 **gmorin:** :?

 **jaylen14:** sorry Just trying to find my way out of mike’s apartment.

 **jaylen14:** been a While.

 **jaylen14:** Um. i Was saying something.

 **jaylen14:** oh Yeah. just because i Do different stuff with betsy maybe who knows, doesn’t mean you’re worse.

 **jaylen14:** and It doesn’t mean i feel like that stuff is missing between us.

 **jaylen14:** So there! no Feeling bad about it!

 **gmorin:** Okay!!! Thank you for helping me!!!

 **gmorin:** I am less emotioned than I was before C:

 **gmorin:** I apologize for not being good at addressing and processing them!!!

 **jaylen14:** lmao join the Club.

 **gmorin:** Can I give you the update on my Island!

 **jaylen14:** yeah Sure i might not reply since i’m walking rn.

 **gmorin:** That’s okay you can read it whenever you’d like!!!

 **gmorin:** So, upon your advice, I prioritized building Prospective Housing for new community members.

 **gmorin:** And one of them has moved in already!!!

 **gmorin:** They are a bovine and they are large and pink and very cute!!!

 **gmorin:** They say kind words to me often C:

 **gmorin:** Oh, and my orchard area is developing nicely!!!

 **jaylen14:** hey you’re Not mad at me right.

 **gmorin:** Of course not!!!! Why??? Should I be O:

 **jaylen14:** no it’s just I don’t know after last night and having to ask you so quickly it’s just

 **jaylen14:** i mean Not like it wasn’t happening just as fast for me i don’t know but like

 **jaylen14:** i just didn’t know if you Thought i wasn’t thinking of you because that’s not true and

 **gmorin:** Jaylen!!!

 **gmorin:** Please take a breath!!! You are vomiting words into your phone!!!

 **jaylen14:** Okay.

 **jaylen14:** Sorry.

 **gmorin:** Can you tell me what is actually the matter???

 **jaylen14:** oh you Can tell?

 **gmorin:** I think I have told you before I am good at reading people C:

 **jaylen14:** ughhhhhhh i dunno i mean I went out to grab some food and i sorta.

 **jaylen14:** forgot i Was in seattle.

 **jaylen14:** some people here Like. still Really hate me i think.

 **gmorin:** That matches with my experience as well!!!

 **gmorin:** I am very sorry!! Did something happen???

 **jaylen14:** no its fine Um i don’t know i had headphones in but i think someone shouted something?

 **jaylen14:** and then a bunch of People noticed me and uh i don’t know i had to get out and

 **jaylen14:** somewhere in Between the being back here and the being at mike's place and the new season and the everything

 **jaylen14:** ugh what Do those two call it again

 **jaylen14:** uh i think i’m Having a cringe-ass panic attack right now

 **gmorin:** Are you safe right now!!

 **jaylen14:** yea i Found a lil bench n put my hood up

 **gmorin:** Okay good!!! Are you able to take deep breaths C:

 **jaylen14:** ill Try

 **jaylen14:** ok got a Couple deep bitches in there

 **jaylen14:** just gonna Stop checking my pulse now i think

 **gmorin:** That’s probably a good idea!!!

 **jaylen14:** Okay i’m feeling a little better.

 **jaylen14:** Sorry about this.

 **gmorin:** Nothing to worry about!!!

 **gmorin:** Betsy is actually dm’ing me right now, is it okay if I move this to the other chat???

 **jaylen14:** Um.

 **jaylen14:** Sure.

**> gf central <**

**trombetsy:** jay u ok???

 **jaylen14:** haha yeah I’m fine.

 **trombetsy:** omg she said haha yeah this bitch is not ok

 **trombetsy:** (thats a joke k)

 **jaylen14:** Lmao thank you betsy.

 **gmorin:** I am already out, would you like me to bring you some food???

 **jaylen14:** nah that’s Okay i’ll get it myself once i calm down.

 **gmorin:** Okay <3

 **trombetsy:** lemme guess some ppl said some shit

 **jaylen14:** uh. Basically.

 **trombetsy:** ughhhhhhhhh h8 this fkn city seattle is ded 2 me

 **trombetsy:** im burnin this whole place 2 the ground

 **jaylen14:** plz dont say burn

 **trombetsy:** oh shit fuck uh

 **trombetsy:** im gonna run over this place with a fuckin steamroller!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** lmao.

 **gmorin:** While I can’t condone the action I certainly agree with the sentiment sometimes!!

 **trombetsy:** ugh ok if u want the tea here take a big fkn sip

 **trombetsy:** jay u didnt even once ask for this shit!!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** those ppl dont hate u they hate what they did to u!!!

 **trombetsy:** which means they h8 thmselves n thats fucked up!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** but it dont have nothin 2 do with u!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** theyre just projectin or w/e th fuck

 **jaylen14:** Thanks betsy.

 **jaylen14:** oh My god no wait that was actually like a really cool thing to say.

 **jaylen14:** i think that Helped a bunch C:

 **gmorin:** Very well said, Betsy!!!

 **trombetsy:** o shit rlly i was just spitballin u liked it??

 **trombetsy:** fuck yea looks like im the cool helpful gf too

 **trombetsy:** u bitches need to step ur games up im grabbin every gf superlative

 **trombetsy:** two hours in n im already killin th game

*******

**> percy <**

**pwheeler:** Greetings, Jaylen Hotdogfingers.

 **jaylen14:** oh hey Percy.

 **pwheeler:** Word tells you are establishing quite the mighty polycule for yourself.

 **jaylen14:** ugh yeah Who told?

 **jaylen14:** wait why do i even ask it Was obviously kichiro.

 **pwheeler:** Your intellect rings true, as usual.

 **pwheeler:** I come to tell you that a strong matrix of relationships is a good thing to have.

 **pwheeler:** It will bring you strength and comfort in the trying days to come.

 **jaylen14:** what days What are you talking about.

 **pwheeler:** I come also to offer you this: a dire warning.

 **pwheeler:** A portent of doom.

 **jaylen14:** uh Huh.

 **pwheeler:** A foreboding prophecy.

 **jaylen14:** yeah Percy i get it just get with the warning already.

 **pwheeler:** As you wish:

 **pwheeler:** Take care that in your efforts to move forwards, you are not yet regressing.

 **jaylen14:** Right.

 **pwheeler:** Is the meaning of my words clear?

 **jaylen14:** Nope.

 **pwheeler:** Should I explain further?

 **jaylen14:** i mean I have a feeling you're going to anyway so.

 **pwheeler:** Very well. My meaning is this:

 **pwheeler:** Look to those you have chosen as your companions. The things they share.

 **pwheeler:** Actually I will cut to the chase and just say it.

 **jaylen14:** much Appreciated.

 **pwheeler:** You are currently in the midst of dating two pitchers for The Garages.

 **pwheeler:** Neither of whom were around in your heyday.

 **pwheeler:** And yet there you are, in the selfsame city no less.

 **jaylen14:** are you Trying to say i'm compensating for the time i missed by hanging around with garages pitchers?

 **jaylen14:** because that's Definitely not what's happening.

 **pwheeler:** Those were your words and not mine, Jaylen.

 **pwheeler:** But yes, I intended to intimate something similar.

 **jaylen14:** well thanks For the concern i guess?

 **pwheeler:** If you do not think it will be a problem, then it should not be.

 **pwheeler:** You always exhibit such great self mastery after all.

 **pwheeler:** At any rate, your current team will be glad to see you return when you see fit to.

 **pwheeler:** Good day, Jaylen Hotdogfingers.

 **jaylen14:** wait a Minute was that supposed to be sarcastic?

 **jaylen14:** like a read On me or whatever?

 **jaylen14:** percy get back Here!!!

**> micycle townshed <**

**jaylen14:** hey Mike.

 **extracredit:** haha hey jaylen.

 **jaylen14:** look Uh. i'll try to Keep the stuff with betsy out of your hair okay?

 **jaylen14:** didn't know it was Bugging you.

 **extracredit:** ohhh uh i mean it wasn’t really?

 **jaylen14:** but you dragged us both to your apartment to make Us sort it out.

 **extracredit:** haha oh yeah guess i did.

 **extracredit:** i mean it was mostly just because i figured, like.

 **extracredit:** if the two of you were friends with me, you'd probably be good friends to each other.

 **extracredit:** i may have. been slightly off there.

 **extracredit:** but it all worked out in the end.

 **jaylen14:** Lmao.

 **extracredit:** lmao indeed.

 **jaylen14:** so I'm not on your last nerve?

 **extracredit:** jaylen i've got more nerves than you could ever get through.

 **jaylen14:** Ew.

 **extracredit:** hahahaha sorry.

 **jaylen14:** anyway uh thanks For letting me use your apartment but seriously what happened in here.

 **extracredit:** oh yeah i checked, apparently while i was gone people kept coming in and "borrowing" things.

 **extracredit:** i think it was like a bit they were doing? anyway that's why there's hardly anything left.

 **jaylen14:** oh my God our team is such assholes.

 **jaylen14:** want me to kill Them?

 **extracredit:** jaylen no. no more killing.

 **jaylen14:** not even As a treat?

 **extracredit:** jaylen you and i both know you wouldn't kill someone now even if you had whatever weird power you did before.

 **extracredit:** you're a different person in a different situation and that's not a bad thing.

 **extracredit:** you don't have to keep joking about killing like it's a part of yourself you're trying to minimize.

 **jaylen14:** …

 **jaylen14:** holy Shit.

 **extracredit:** haha sorry was that too much?

 **jaylen14:** uh No it was just. a lot Out of nowhere.

 **jaylen14:** been holding out on Me, huh townsend.

 **extracredit:** jaylen literally no one knows you as well as i do, for better and usually for worse.

 **jaylen14:** and so you've decided to Use your power for the one thing you're best at: getting on my nerves.

 **extracredit:** what are friends for?

 **jaylen14:** Mike townsend (thinks he knows me but he doesn't).

 **extracredit:** c'mon jay you know i hate those fucking jokes.

 **jaylen14:** serves you Right xP

 **jaylen14:** so wait just to make Sure you're not mad at me or betsy right.

 **extracredit:** haha no definitely not.

 **jaylen14:** Ok cool.

**> gf central <**

**jaylen14:** ok betsy I asked he's not mad.

 **trombetsy:** what??????? u jst fkn asked him?????????

 **jaylen14:** uhhhhhh Yeah.

 **jaylen14:** mike's like the most nonthreatening due i've Ever met.

 **trombetsy:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **gmorin:** Betsy pardon me for asking but looks like you and Mike have a history I'm not aware of!!!!

 **trombetsy:** ughhhhhhh yea ok u want the full explainer fineeee

 **trombetsy:** ok so like??? im from another fkn dimension or some shit

 **trombetsy:** not like u but also not not like u

 **gmorin:** Oh you're an Alternate??? I had no idea, you fit in so well C:

 **trombetsy:** omg fuck offfffffffff stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** i don't think they Took that as a compliment goodwin.

 **gmorin:** Obviously not, if the stabs are any indication xO

 **trombetsy:** idk so i went from the fkn universe where everyone hates me to this one

 **trombetsy:** whr i was sure everyone was gonna fkn h8 me again

 **jaylen14:** whaaaaaat? But you have such a bright and sunny personality!

 **trombetsy:** shove it hotdogbitch!!!!! stab stab stab stab stab

 **jaylen14:** x0 i've Been stab.

 **trombetsy:** and anyway the only persn who didnt get scared away was mike

 **trombetsy:** anyway he's just rlly nice

 **trombetsy:** and uh a great baker

 **trombetsy:** and

 **gmorin:** Wow Betsy you really do have it bad for him!!!

 **trombetsy:** stfu bitchwin!!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** S

 **trombetsy:** T

 **trombetsy:** A

 **trombetsy:** B

 **gmorin:** Aww, I was hoping you'd be able to find a better place for bitch to fit into my name!!!

 **gmorin:** I couldn't think of one :C

 **jaylen14:** Lmao betsy you're already in a relationship with two beautiful intimidating girls.

 **jaylen14:** How much harder could getting one mike be.

 **trombetsy:** yyyyyyyou don't get it!!!!

 **trombetsy:** it's totally different!!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Oof harsh. they got our Asses morin.

 **gmorin:** I have been got!!!

 **trombetsy:** that's not what i mean and you two know it!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** look this one i didn't expect to happen at all and its basically jays fault anyway!!!!

 **jaylen14:** Guilty.

 **trombetsy:** but idk mike's been my friend for a while and idk like???

 **trombetsy:** if he felt that way he would've done smth by now right??????

 **jaylen14:** ugh i don't Have the patience for this i'm just gonna ask him.

 **trombetsy:** JAYLEN IF U DO ILL STAB U SO HARD ULL NEVER STOP BEIN STAB

 **jaylen14:** wouldn't be the First time.

 **trombetsy:** wat

 **gmorin:** Jaylen I suggest you don't!!! Betsy genuinely cares very much about this C:

 **jaylen14:** Fine not like i was actually gonna.

 **trombetsy:** its fine its not like i even want anythin to happen

 **trombetsy:** idk its just like i havent seen him in a while, i mean he was in the shadows for a p long time

 **trombetsy:** even when he was back the last couple of seasons he was all distracted n shit

 **jaylen14:** Oops.

 **trombetsy:** n now hes back n the shadows n its still weird

 **gmorin:** Oops!!!

 **jaylen14:** so you're saying it'd just be nice to hang Out with him?

 **trombetsy:** yeah!!!!!! i mean thats wat i thot wld happen but then u were there too n

 **trombetsy:** aaaaaaaaaa now i got like x2 the feelins i had

 **trombetsy:** er wait maybe times 3?? idk this romance shit has too much math fr me

 **gmorin:** Awwww Betsy, that was adorable!!!

 **trombetsy:** uh

 **trombetsy:** thx

 **trombetsy:** tiny stab

 **jaylen14:** hmmmmmmmmm Okay let me see what i can do.

 **trombetsy:** uh

 **trombetsy:** bout wat

 **jaylen14:** You'll see 

**gmorin:** Hm!!! Ominous!!!

 **gmorin:** By the way Betsy, have you considered my offer of coming over to my island???

 **gmorin:** I have cherries C:

 **trombetsy:** lmao r u kiddin no ones played that game in months only total fkn dweebs r still on that shit

 **jaylen14:** :C

 **trombetsy:** full offense jay

**> pitchers strategy and discussion! <**

**gmorin:** It is going to be the season soon!!!

 **gmorin:** I am nervous because I have so many stars!!! Everyone seems to be expecting much from me O:

 **tillyhendy69:** holy shit what a fkn humblebrag

 **tillyhendy69:** ooooooo check out my fkn stars

 **trombetsy:** goodwin its k stars dont actually rlly mean anythin

 **trombetsy:** otherwise id be worse than tilly n everyone knows that aint fkn true so

 **snideybiggs:** haha yeahhhhhh like its k just do ur best

 **riverdenial:** plus as long as you keep a low profile everything’s pretty fine.

 **riverdenial:** as long as you don’t fuck around and go crazy like some of us have, nobody’ll really give a shit.

 **jaylen14:** rivers is there Something you would like to say.

 **riverdenial:** lmao no i could’ve been talking about anyone.

 **riverdenial:** think you’re the only crazyass pitcher around here?

 **trombetsy:** fuck off rivers!!! stab stab stab

 **riverdenial:** lmao. betsy i literally have an axe you would not beat me.

 **tillyhendy69:** the girlssssssss r fightinggggggggggg

 **riverdenial:** tillman do you have to say that every fucking time?

 **trombetsy:** jokes old dude

 **yesallgods:** I have to say i am also nervous.

 **yesallgods:** My stars say that i would be a better batter than pitcher.

 **snideybiggs:** uhhhhhhhhhh i mean that makes sense u have a lotta weapons and stuff so

 **riverdenial:** eh trust me they’re not that different.

 **jaylen14:** maybe not the Way you do it.

 **riverdenial:** exactly lmao.

*******

**> gf central <**

**jaylen14:** thanks for Letting me into the garages gym.

 **jaylen14:** feel a Lot better now.

 **gmorin:** Of course Jaylen!!!

 **gmorin:** No one really uses it in the morning anyway so there’s no risk of being seen C:

 **trombetsy:** ya cuz everyones usually hungover from th night before

 **jaylen14:** Oh trust me i know what that’s like.

 **gmorin:** By the way, Betsy!!! Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do a chinup someday!!!

 **trombetsy:** ksdfjhsdkjfhsdkjhf

 **jaylen14:** Lmao.

 **trombetsy:** i can ttally do a chinup!!!!!! i had just already done a buncha arms stuff!!!!!!!

 **trombetsy:** any other day i coulda done like 20!!!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** you should’ve Seen your little cheeks while you were struggling to get up there.

 **jaylen14:** woulda pinched them right Then if i wasn’t worried you would hurt yourself.

 **gmorin:** Oh yes!!! I also noted that they looked particularly adorable and pinchable!!!!

 **trombetsy:** aaaaaaaaaaaa im in hell im in fkn hell

 **trombetsy:** whys it 24/7 bully betsy hours in this fkn throuple anywai

 **jaylen14:** that’s Not true! you two bully me a Lot as well.

 **gmorin:** I don’t think I do!!!

 **jaylen14:** well I feel bullied anyway and that’s the important part.

 **gmorin:** Well I never feel bullied C:

 **trombetsy:** o ya shes got a point i dont think we bully goodwin all that much

 **jaylen14:** wouldn’t want Her to feel left out i guess?

 **gmorin:** Yes give me your best shot C:<

 **trombetsy:** …

 **jaylen14:** …

 **gmorin:** I am waiting C:<

 **trombetsy:** i cant bring myself to do it,,,,,,,,,

 **jaylen14:** it just Doesn’t feel right somehow.

 **gmorin:** Aww :C

 **trombetsy:** sorry babe

 **gmorin:** O:

 **jaylen14:** oh My god betsy was that a pet name???

 **trombetsy:** what

 **trombetsy:** no

 **trombetsy:** couldntve been

 **trombetsy:** uh

 **trombetsy:** ive been hacked

 **trombetsy:** also my phone exploded

 **trombetsy:** shit

 **trombetsy:** stab stab stab

 **gmorin:** I must say!!! It is always entertaining being in Girlfriend Central with you two!!!!!!

 **jaylen14:** lmaooooooooo Thanks goodwin. I guess.

 **jaylen14:** oh shit ok mike got back to me Ok everyone hold on a sec.

 **trombetsy:** huh???????

**> when throuples collide <**

**extracredit:** hello everyone! jaylen thought it would be fun for all of us to hang out sometime!

 **jaylen14:** oh my god mike Don’t instantly throw me under the bus!!!

 **tillyhendy69:** omg isnt having to be around two fkn losers enough??

 **tillyhendy69:** now ur tellin me i have to see three more ????

 **trombetsy:** try sayin that to my face bitch

 **tillyhendy69:** i would but i cant look down that far ya gd tictac

 **d3cl4n:** oh my god did u just call them a tictac

 **tillyhendy69:** yea cause their fuckin cringe ass body is tiny as shitttt

 **d3cl4n:** lmao

 **trombetsy:** klfdjhsdkjfhskdhf stab stab stab stab !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **tillyhendy69:** x0 im stab

 **tillyhendy69:** sike bitch ur cringe ass rp stabs cant hurt a dead man

 **gmorin:** Will everyone stop arguing??? If not I will have to to enforce order!!! By force!!!!!!

 **tillyhendy69:** ...ok

 **d3cl4n:** ya sounds good

 **trombetsy:** sorry goodwin

 **gmorin:** Thank you C:

 **jaylen14:** uh yeah Anyway most of us basically all know each other.

 **jaylen14:** and since the Offseason is ending soon we figured it’d be fun to all get together.

 **jaylen14:** please please Please do not make me think differently because of this chat.

 **d3cl4n:** (hey psst)

 **d3cl4n:** (hey tillman)

 **tillyhendy69:** (yea dec wats up)

 **trombetsy:** wat tf are they doin

 **extracredit:** i have no idea.

 **d3cl4n:** (tillman this is like that jaylen right the one everybody was talkin about)

 **tillyhendy69:** (yea dec its that one)

 **d3cl4n:** (isnt she gonna like fuckin kill us dude?????)

 **jaylen14:** i Will if you don’t stop acting so fucking ridiculous.

 **extracredit:** jaylen. no killing.

 **jaylen14:** oh come on mike i Was obviously joking.

 **tillyhendy69:** (nah dude its totally cool shes like super lame now. total baby trust me)

 **jaylen14:** mike Please.

 **extracredit:** ok jaylen fine you can kill tillman.

 **tillyhendy69:** why me declan started it!!!!!!!!

 **extracredit:** just a little bit though okay? if he doesn’t come back soon declan might get all depressed again.

 **d3cl4n:** hey i would not!!!

 **tillyhendy69:** lmao cringe ass emotions having ass

 **trombetsy:** tillman quit bein fuckin mean to declan he cant even defend hisself

 **d3cl4n:** also hey!!!

 **jaylen14:** declan real Talk i promise you i am not threatening. anymore.

 **jaylen14:** I am no longer threatening.

 **d3cl4n:** o pog sounds good to me

 **tillyhendy69:** wait am i still dying or

 **gmorin:** Hahaha this whole having friends business is great!!!!!!! I love you all!!!!!!

* * *

“Where the hell is this place, anyway?” asked Betsy. They’d gotten a cab from the airport to Declan’s address, except that the place the cab let them out had turned out to definitively _not_ be Declan’s address, and so now the three were wandering a secluded street of Chicago, where none of them were from.

“I think it’s that one!!” said Goodwin, “It has the right number this time!!”

Jaylen squinted against the darkness. “Damn, how’d you see that? Shadow magic or something?”

“No!! I simply have very good eyesight!!”

Jaylen shrugged. “If you say so.” They set off down the street to Declan’s building, Betsy clinging insistently to Jaylen’s waist - a bit hard to walk with that going on but hey, they’d stop if Jaylen asked and besides it was cold and Jaylen was sort of glad to have the presence - and Goodwin forging on ahead, gawking at the scenery. Not that it was an especially interesting part of Chicago but it was her first time there, and she hadn’t really even been out of whatever cyberfucked Seattle she was from, so Jaylen let the display send a shiver of warmth through her as she checked her pulse.

“Okay this one had better be the place,” said Betsy as they disengaged. “Get the bell, Goodwin.”

“On it!!” But before she could, an all-too familiar head popped out of the top window, backturned hat hanging on precariously in the night wind.

“Took you cringe-ass losers long enough to get here!” shouted Tillman Henderson, as he made every obscene gesture he could think of.

“Hello Tillman!!!” shouted back Goodwin, beaming. “Your greetings are always so unique!!! Have I told you that I appreciate this about you???”

“What? Man, that’s fuckin lame.”

“Just let us up, fucker!!” said Betsy.

“Yeah yeah Dec’s getting the door. Oh but before you do-”

And before she could process, Jaylen was smacked in the face by a soft mass that bounced harmlessly into her hands. She held it up to the light filtering down from the open window above. An intact roll of toilet paper. She crushed it slightly in her hands.

“You’re supposed to rip the end off before you throw it, asshole!”

The door buzzed and Goodwin pulled it open.

*******

“Now this is more like it,” said Jaylen, looking around the apartment. “Nothing but meaningless garbage all around. This is how a party apartment is supposed to be. You should take notes, Mike.”

“haha, sorry…”

Jaylen was letting her head drop over the back of the couch, rolling it around to gather in all the ambiance of the various models and posters for shows she’d never heard of. However long of bumming in Mike’s sparse apartment had apparently gotten to her (she’d bought a seasonal affective lamp in the middle of summer just to have even a single thing occupying space) and existing in a meaningfully lived in space was a blanket against a cold she hadn’t known she’d been feeling.

“Nerd shit,” said Betsy, legs across Jaylen’s lap and head reclining against the back of the couch. “Nothin but lameass nerd shit as far as the eye can see. Goodwin, high five me.”

Goodwin, sitting on the floor beneath them, extended a shadowhand backwards for Betsy to slap. Apparently this was their way of punctuating a dunk on Declan’s taste.

“I mean, yeah, fair,” said Declan, hanging out all the way across the apartment in the kitchen. “But it’s like, cool nerd stuff I think?”

Jaylen popped her head up to glare at him. “Hey Tilly?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“You literally changed your name to that in my phone.”

“Yeah I’m allowed to call _myself_ that. Duh.”

“hey tilly, love you babe,” piped up Mike.

“Poggers babe, love you too.” The two of them were sitting in front of the TV together, crosslegged and playing some game about racing small cars. Tillman turned around for a split second to meet Jaylen’s eye. “You were saying?”

“Ugh, whatever. Look why’s your other boyfriend all the way across the room.”

“Oh yeah. His cringe ass is still afraid you’re gonna like _kill_ him or something. Dunno where he got that idea.” Jaylen could see just the edge of a smirk around the side of his face.

“Declan,” said Jaylen, turning. “I told you. I’m not gonna kill you. Even if you deserve it for being annoying.”

“Oh jeez thanks, that makes me feel a whole lot better… not.”

“Listen up, lameass,” barked Betsy, turning themself around on the couch to sit on Jaylen’s lap facing Declan. “Even if Jay wanted to kill you she super sucks at it now. It’s me you gotta worry about in the first place.”

Betsy’s arm went for their switchblade and Jaylen instinctively went to hold their arm but instead just ended up hugging them around the torso. Jaylen sort of forgot what she was doing at all after that, but at least it stopped Betsy from doing whatever it was.

“Okay, that makes me feel like, negative percent better about it, thanks Betsy.”

“Damn Dec, fuckin harsh…” said Tillman.

“Well I just don’t know why it always has to be my apartment? Like why does it always seem like poor Declan has to let the parade of murdering weirdos in?”

“Uh, I live here dude, idk what you want me to say.”

“Not you, Tillman.”

“i mean jaylen always complains about my place, so…”

“That’s because living there feels like I’m dead again, Mike. And I dunno if my place works, you’d have to deal with getting down to San Fran and also every single Lover is there.” Jaylen shuddered as she checked her pulse.

“My landlord is really harsh about noise complaints!! And Betsy’s place is nearly unliveable!! It is a trash heap barely fit for the occupancy of one!!”

“Hey, shut it!” barked Betsy, though Jaylen noticed they didn’t deny it.

“Okay fine, whatever, everybody pile into my barely clean tiny ass apartment. Who even cares about Declan. Two and a half undead people and Betsy. I’m getting killed for sure.”

“Declan!!!” said Goodwin, raising herself to her full height and standing precariously close to Declan’s ceiling. “I know you do not know me very well, but rest assured!! If either of my partners attempt to perform a murder, I will personally knock both of their heads together with one of my several arms!!!”

“Ok, fine, whatever. Here, let me in on Mario Klart.”

“Oh wait hold on a sec, Suzanne.” Tillman paused the game and spun around on the carpet. “Goodwin I wanna see your shadow arms they sound sick as hell.”

“tillman i think that’s rude, probably.”

“Oh… You mean, these shadow arms???” Goodwin flexed her regular arms and two or three additional pairs popped out from the space behind her back and did various other poses. Betsy was watching enraptured as Jaylen sighed and laid her chin on top of Betsy’s head. Goodwin could be an incredible showoff if you gave her half the chance.

“Fuckin. Super poggers, dude,” said Declan, eyes wide.

“Oh, I think you will find them about as ‘Pog’ as they come!!!”

“So can you bring out more or?”

“Yes!!! Sometimes more just come out!! They are very protective of me!!”

“Hey Declan you still have those cheese cubes lying around?”

“Tillman why do I feel like you’re about to do something very stupid?” asked Jaylen.

“Uhhhh maybe cause I fuckin am?? Lay off Hotdogbitch.”

“Got em,” said Betsy.

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” said Jaylen. Betsy only shrugged and nestled further into Jaylen’s embrace.

Tillman hopped up and dashed into the kitchen, sliding over the counter in a completely unnecessary display of agility.

“Anyway dude where's those cheese cubes?”

“Got em right in here babe you know I got some fuckin cheese cubes on me at all times.”

“Sick,” and Tillman threw open the fridge and pulled out a gigantic tray full to bursting with orange cheese cubes. “Hey Goodwin, catch!” And he threw one of the cubes directly at Goodwin, where it was immediately intercepted between the thumb and pointer finger of one of the shadowhands.

“haha that’s so cool.”

“They do it on their own!!”

“Declan you try it.”

“Hell yeah.” And another cheese cube went flying towards what would’ve been anyone else’s head but was only partway up Goodwin, and an extra hand popped out from behind Goodwin and plucked that one out of the air too, adding one more to her repertoire.

Tillman and Declan shared a glance and nodded once, then began a hailstorm of cheese cubes aimed at Goodwin, who stood smugly still as her shadowhands flew around her in a flurry, each holding four cheese cubes in the gaps between each five fingers, and spawning new ones when all of the other hands were full until Goodwin was carrying a full two score of arms behind her full to bursting with cheese cubes.

“Uhhhhh hey Goodwin?” asked Betsy. “You don’t look so good.”

“Are you saying I seem fatigued??? From this??? This is nothing!!! One time I…” and another cheese cube flew threw the air and another arm filled up, “spawned thirty… full pairs of arms… a gun in each… my final stand…” and a new arm spilled out to catch another cube, and Goodwin’s eyes looked more like concentric circles than pupils, “and I said that it was… a good day to die… and then I paused… for a while… and then said…” and Goodwin flopped down on her back, totally spent from the exertion of summoning all the arms. “I said… _For you, that is…_ ”

And Goodwin Morin fainted on the floor, surrounded by scattered cheese cubes dropped by the hands that were even now fading out of existence. Betsy gave a tiny salute. Tillman handed Declan a can of beer and Declan poured it down the sink.

*******

Mike had requisitioned Declan’s help with collecting and propping up Goodwin’s body, but Betsy and Jaylen explained how she probably wouldn’t appreciate it and would probably prefer to lay there on the floor over being touched, and Mike nodded and compromised by having Declan put a glass of water and some chips next to her. She woke up drearily after a bit and took a swig of water and chomped a dlorito and seemed every bit her usual self. Then Jaylen glared at Tillman and Declan until they agreed to pick up the cheese cubes.

“Shit would be so much easier if I had like a million arms…” complained Tillman.

“No sympathy. You started it,” said Jaylen.

“Can’t we at least get a little help,” said Declan.

“Nope. Also if I see you try one of them again I’ll stab you,” said Betsy, “that’s fuckin gross.”

“But… my cheese cubes…” whined Declan.

Goodwin, meanwhile, was being explained the various controls for Mario Klart, as apparently she’d never played a video game you weren’t neurally linked into before. She found the concept of controllers unsurprisingly charming.

“Jaylen!!! Betsy!!! We must play this!!”

“haha, i dunno,” said Mike, “tillman and i were in the middle of a game.”

“Yeah but I was losing so honestly you should quit so she can play.”

“I’ve only got four GlameCube controllers though,” put in Declan, “I’d hate to get left out…”

“Your lame ass just wants to stop picking up cheese,” said Betsy.

“I’m nearly done! Plus, my apartment, my GlameCube, my rules.”

“Hey hold on a sec, Mike,” said Jaylen, “remember the drinking game the Garages used to play?”

“hm? ohhhh oh the one where you switch off? ugh what’s it called?”

“I dunno, I think just something stupid like Beerio Klart or something.”

“yeah! yeah that sounds right. uh isn’t that two on two though?”

“Well this one you can drive a klart with two players right? We’ll just do that?”

“Sick as hell,” said Tillman, dropping the ten or so cheese cubes he was carrying, “I’m fuckin unbeatable at drinking games.”

“Yeah right dude you can barely drink a single beer without getting nauseous,” said Declan, also dropping his cubes.

“Cmon dude does that sound like me? I fucking own at these games I’d drink anyone under the table.”

“That sounds like a challenge!! Shall we go three on three?? Your “Throuple” versus ours???”

“pog,” said Mike, and the two teams split up to discuss strategy.

“Hey Jaylen mind telling me what the fuck’s going on with this game?”

“Yeah okay so the usual rules are one person races and one person drinks. You can’t drink and drive at the same time, of course, but you can trade off. First team to finish their beer and the race wins.”

“And with three people??”

“Oh yeah so in this game two people can drive at once? Because there’s two characters or something. So one person steers and the other one uses items I think? Maybe drifts. I don’t really remember or care, all I know is we have to win this. I used to play this game all the time back in the day so I’ll drive. Goodwin you should probably start drinking first, let us know if you need to sw-”

“Nuh uh! I’m drinking!” said Betsy, a fire behind their eyes.

“Are you sure about that??”

“No offense, Trombone, but uh. You’re like what, three feet tall? I don’t know if-”

“Grrrrr shut up!!! First of all I’m four foot ten!!! Second-”

“Hahahaha fuckin shrimp-ass cringe-ass loser,” laughed Tillman from across the room and this time Betsy had the switchblade drawn and flicked out before Jaylen and Goodwin were able to grab their arms and hold them back. Mike smacked Tillman playfully across the back of the head and the situation diffused as Betsy grumbled and withdrew.

“Like I was saying I’m super good at this. Trust me.”

“If you say so…” said Jaylen cautiously. “That puts you on items Goodwin, it’s not really very demanding so just press whatever you want? It’ll probably go fine.”

“I will press more buttons than you’ve ever seen!!!”

“I like the enthusiasm, but again, not necessary.”

And the two teams broke from their huddle, Jaylen and Mike sitting down in the drivers’ seats, Goodwin picking up the controller next to Jaylen’s. Declan returned from the kitchen holding six beers.

“woah hey, isn’t it supposed to be one per team?”

“What, you a fuckin pussy now?” taunted Jaylen. “Plus there’s three to a team, one’s not enough.”

“haha okay whatever, you’re toast anyway.”

“Daaaaaaaaaamn,” said Betsy, picking up their first beer from the armful. “You got her ass, Townsend. She’s reeling. She’s on the ropes, dude.”

“Fuck outta here Trombone,” said Tillman, squaring off against them with a beer of his own. “Mike’s comebacks are like a thousand years from the future, you just don’t even get them yet.”

“Okay nobody spill anything on my GlameCube,” said Declan, dropping to the floor and picking up the fourth and final controller. “The Miku skin was really expensive and I don’t wanna have to change it.”

“The only thing that will be spilled is the blood of your tiny video game characters as we defeat you utterly!!!”

“Not that kinda game, Goodwin,” said Jaylen.

*******

The countdown hit ‘Go!’ and lap one of the race began. Jaylen managed to remember the timing for the boosted start and rocketed out of the starting line right alongside Mike. They’d hit random and it’d come up on the ice track and Jaylen hated the ice track but no way was she was gonna admit weakness by asking for another track. She wondered if she could check her pulse and still drive. She glanced back at Tillman and Betsy.

Tillman had popped the tab of beer #1 and was negotiating his mouth’s way to the opening against the rising foam. Apparently Declan hadn’t been too careful carrying these over. Betsy smirked and drew their knife and in one slick motion punctured a hole towards the bottom of the can. They upturned the hole to their lips and pulled the tab, shotgunning the beer with a speed and determination that Jaylen found oddly impressive.

“hey what the fuck that’s gotta be cheating,” said Mike, eyes flickering briefly away from the game.

“Nothing in the rules that says it’s not,” said Jaylen. “We play with Air Bud rules, bitch.”

“fine then. tillman, can’t you shotgun too?”

“Uh, no the fuck he can’t,” said Declan with unusual firmness.

Tillman gasped as he pulled his mouth away from the can. “Last time I tried to shotgun in here I started doing some sick cool-guy chokes and spilled half a can all over the floor and Declan _flipped_ at me even though-”

“tillman! go back to drinking!”

“Ugh. Whatever.”

*******

Lap two, and Jaylen and Mike were still neck-and-neck. Well, they had been until Mike had gotten a lucky red shell to take a narrow lead. It would be hard to catch up, especially with Goodwin rapidly mashing every button on the controller, throwing any and all items away as soon as they were acquired. And one look at Goodwin’s ecstatic expression told Jaylen she didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop. Which meant she’d just have to beat Mike the old-fashioned way: by being way better than him.

“Oh my god!” shouted Betsy, “this shit is disgusting! Where do you even find beer this bad? Ugh, I’m gonna be sick for real.”

“How far are you, Betsy?”

“Uhh, I’m like halfway through this one.”

“Okay, switch off with me.” Jaylen set the controller down and hopped up to grab the beer from Betsy.

“You want. Uh. Me to drive?”

“Yeah knock yourself out, you did great.”

Declan took the opportunity to look back at Tillman, eyes winced as he struggled to finish the first beer.

“Okay dude let me switch off with you, take items.”

“Lmao no way dude, I’m not even like, super queasy right now. Also I don’t know what you’re talking about this beer is great. This is my favorite stuff.” Declan took him by the shoulder and sat him down in front of the TV and he kept mouthing off as he picked up the controller and started to play.

“Okay here’s the thing,” said Betsy, “I super don’t know how to play this game.”

“What?”

“Look, it’s not my fault I’ve never played a video game before! I don’t know what these buttons do!”

“What about that time you let me come to your Animal Crossing village?”

“Malik let me make an account on his switch, that’s different! I only played because it seemed like everyone else was doing it and I felt left out and-”

“Excuse my interruption!! Is this really the time to be getting into it??” Goodwin had a point. Mike was starting the third lap. And while no one was looking Declan had finished Tillman’s first beer and was making his way rapidly through the second.

He noticed Jaylen and Betsy’s stares and took a pause to smirk at them. “What? Firefighters play drinking games all the time and my team like, always wins.”

And just like that, their lead had evaporated.

“Okay Betsy you’re just gonna have to keep going.”

“No way no fucking way I have maybe the rest of this one left in me. Sorry Jay.”

“Oh!!! Wait!!!” perked up Goodwin. “I have an idea!!!” And with that, she sprouted a pair of arms from behind her back which snaked over, picked up the controller, and began driving, Goodwin now controlling both aspects at once.

“Oh come the fuck on!!” shouted Tillman, “that’s gotta be fucking illegal!!”

“I believe this falls under the jurisdiction of something called ‘Air Bud’ rules, actually!!!”

Betsy and Jaylen took a look at each other, nodded, and got to drinking.

*******

It was a close race, despite everything, coming down to a race between Declan’s frantic drinking and Goodwin’s impassioned if inexpert driving. The race was close enough, in fact, that none of them could be quite sure if Goodwin had crossed the finish before Declan had triumphantly turned the final can upside down over his head. And so of course each team advocated that they had won, and voices had risen until Mike got fed up and tossed a pillow that smacked Jaylen directly in the face. Jaylen, in turn, with near-literal fire in her eyes, had grabbed a pillow of her own, her deathblow only blocked by Declan’s frantic defense with a seat cushion he’d grabbed. Things devolved quickly after that, a conflict punctuated by equal amounts of laughs and screams, and before long everyone was tired and breathing heavily and as each one laid around the room they privately decided that the quiet assurance that they had been the actual victor was all the reward they could need.

*******

Jaylen was searching through the drawers in Declan’s kitchen for a corkscrew for the bottle of wine she’d brought. If no one else was going to drink it she sure as hell was, she’d spent good money on it and how was she supposed to know no one else was a wine drinker? The rest of them were fine (somehow) sipping on the shitty beer with occasional shots of whatever bottom-shelf alcohol Declan kept around. She’d half-heard Goodwin giving some elaborate toast earlier and now everyone was lazing around chatting about little more than nothing.

“Oh hey Socks! Didn’t know you were around today,” Declan said as a disgruntled cat plodded into the room.

“haha, the night just went from good to great! pile in here, socks.”

But Socks decided that it didn’t seem to want to join the crowd and instead popped up onto the counter in front of Jaylen.

“Hey there,” she said, doing her best to smile down at the cat. “What’s up?”

And the cat looked up at her and she met its eyes briefly and they seemed familiar somehow in a way she couldn’t place until the memory found its way drifting up through sediment and discard and she saw herself through memory back in her old apartment with the Garages the second time she’d used it and frozen on television were a pair of cat eyes as Jaylen saw herself automatically pressing rewind on the tape again and watching the incineration of Kiki Familia-

and context flooded back to her as she watched the memory that she hadn’t quite realized she’d let herself forget and she remembered that it was the day after the first debt she’d collected and the media watching the game wasn’t about to miss something like that again and so they’d camera-covered every inch of the field watching for death and they didn’t have to wait long either not even clear of the first inning before-

and it wasn’t even _her_ that was the thing and she knew it wasn’t because it didn’t come with the same visceral rush of vitality the same dizzying experience of being every time twice as alive as she was before every time her pulse doubling and redoubling its tempo and so she knew it wasn’t her even as it got lumped together in the same memory in the same column in collective consciousness-

and maybe that was why she could watch it so much and why her finger kept hitting the button to go back those five ten fifteen seconds every time because it didn’t feel so goddamn good to watch every time the way the others did even after the fact for weeks watching them sent that same ecstasy through Jaylen’s body and she felt nauseous afterwards but then again what was the nausea but another reminder that her body was alive? alive again alive cursedly blessedly alive-

and so she watched those cat eyes widen in terror and certainty time and time again and she felt nothing but horrible and that felt better than a guilty joy and it made her feel like she wasn’t quite-

but who was she kidding who was she kidding-

if it had come down to it-

if whatever special sense she’d gained had informed her that it was time to sway the angle of her throw-

she would’ve done it-

she knew she would-

and she’d seemed so happy just to be there-

just a moment before making her first start onto the field-

and Jaylen knew she would’ve done it just the same-

And Jaylen raised two fingers to the side of her neck. But through the shaking she couldn’t tell if her pulse was there or not.

She heard a sound that could’ve been her name. She knew she should turn her head to look. But she couldn’t translate that thought into motion.

Someone was standing up. She felt herself falling. Some reflex braced her against the counter. Her eyes may have been closed. Or maybe they just didn’t see anything. The room was spinning. She couldn’t tell if her throat was producing sound or if whatever sound that was was just in her head.

Something touched her back and she flinched painful hard away. Her face was wet from some impossible to determine source. The something touched her back again and through fog she was able to form the thought that oh okay this is a hand, some hand is touching me. More noises she couldn’t parse. The hand moved her and she saw no reason to fight it, only that her legs were fighting it a bit and she had to stagger to keep up with the hand.

And sounds were returning to her a bit and she heard something small yelling _take it away- take the fucking cat away- you know she’s bad with cats-_ and she parsed that she as being her and Jaylen was confused because she didn’t remember being bad with cats but maybe she was after all- and then flaring through the liquid sludge of her brain was a flash of panic because she’d just put together that the hand on her back was from Goodwin and she couldn’t touch Goodwin, right? So wasn’t this bad wasn’t she- and then Jaylen’s brain chugged a bit more and remembered that Goodwin was about neutral on her hands touching others, and so she probably wasn’t being an incredible burden, which was good which was good because- because if she did- if she was- she would probably-

And Goodwin led her gently to a couch. And she sat in it. And Goodwin said something. And it took her a second. And she processed the words as “are you okay”. And it took her a bit but she nodded in response. And she checked her pulse. And it was still there. And she realized she was blinking away tears.

Betsy dashed out from the bedroom holding a silver jacket. “Uh. Declan put Socks away, he’s staying in there for a little bit cause he feels real bad… but he said to take this out, said it always made him feel better so maybe it would you too? I dunno.”

And they laid Declan’s fireproof jacket across Jaylen’s lap and it felt heavier than it looked and she took her thumb and middle finger to the edge of it and gave it a slight rub and it crinkled under her touch in a satisfying way and so she took her whole hand up to it and pressed and felt it give and she felt her pulse under her fingers and ran her hand back and forth under the material. And time skipped forward a couple minutes as she did so and she realized she felt a great deal better. Well. Look at you go, Declan.

“anything we can, uh, do jaylen?” asked Mike, and Jaylen refocused her eyes and saw that Mike was there looking at her in a way where she could tell he was trying to be comforting, and Betsy was sort of clinging to him and only looked half aware they were doing it, worry plain across their face, and across the room was Tillman, on his phone and seeming disinterested, which she was glad for, and on the couch next to her was Goodwin, face fallen out of a smile for the first time Jaylen had seen.

“Goodwin… you’re uh, not smiling?” she managed to ask.

“Hm?” and she seemed surprised of it herself, “Oh, uh. Guess I’m more worried than I am polite?” It was a weak attempt at a joke from someone with only a marginal grasp on comedy but it managed to get at least one side of Jaylen’s mouth curled into a smile.

“Could you uh,” and she addressed Mike, and her throat was scratchy but not as bad as last time - and she was only just remembering that there had been a last time for this, and assumedly several times before - “could you not… look at me so much? Sorry. I’ll uh… be okay soon.”

And Mike nodded and everyone got the message and busied themselves with other things and Jaylen pulled the coat up around herself and let the heat of her pulse warm the space underneath it as she monitored its rhythmic cadence.

And, as she promised, she was okay soon. She was relieved when the silent consensus seemed to be to let the event slide away, and the hangout started back up, subdued at first, and as her words and head returned to her Jaylen fell easily back into the swing of bad bits and swift conversation.

*******

“Nah it’s super cool,” Jaylen was saying, “they added in a thing where you can swim now? And you can dive down and catch shells and stuff. And it’s all for free, it’s totally neat.”

Jaylen and Goodwin were sitting on opposite ends of the couch tossing a stress ball they found back and forth.

“Oh my wow!!! I would never have dreamed you could swim in such a land-based game!!!”

Tillman and Declan were making out in the other seat. Jaylen reached down and pulled up her glass for a sip of wine. Turns out the bottle had been a twist-off after all.

She set it down and as she did cast an ever-so-casual glance into the kitchen where Betsy and Mike were scouring the pantry for ingredients.

Mike had mentioned offhandedly that he missed baking because there wasn’t really a good way to do it in the shadows, and Betsy had almost let the moment pass until Jaylen had kicked one of her entangled legs into theirs and they’d gotten the message and asked Mike if maybe he’d like to cook in the kitchen together with them like they used to?

And the remaining four had shared a silent collective glance that affirmed that they were going to eavesdrop the _shit_ out of this.

The only problem was that they’d pulled a stand mixer out from somewhere, and it was impossible to hear a word they were saying. Tillman groaned.

“Man I even stopped making out for this… Those two better just fuckin admit it right here or I’m gonna be pissed for wasting my time.”

“Nah dude,” said Declan, “it’s like mad platonic, I promise you. Classic BFFs scenario.”

“Bullshit,” opined Jaylen. “Betsy’s got it like super bad for Mike. Only problem is they’re a tiny, tiny coward.”

“Can I say how fun it is to be spying on Betsy and Mike with you three!!!” Goodwin beamed. “It’s like I’m back performing heists in my own Seattle!!!”

The four of them were peeking their eyes above the back of the couch, whispering to each other.

“Keep your voice down, Goodwin!” hissed Jaylen.

“Ugh, I’m already sick of this,” said Tillman, raising his body up. “I’m just gonna go in there and tell them to either kiss or never talk to each other again. Shit drives me crazy.”

“Dude, get the fuck down!” Declan yanked him back behind the couch by his collar.

“Tillman Henderson I swear to god if you do I will end you,” said Jaylen. “This is my favorite source of drama right now and if you ruin it? I will one hundred percent instantly send you to the hell that hell goes to when it dies.”

“Jaylen!! As enjoyable as watching them is, don’t you think Betsy deserves to be more than something you watch for amusement??”

Jaylen sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Look what I meant to say was, this is something they have to do on their own, right? If we try to rush them or whatever even if it works out it’s not gonna be Betsy’s thing that they did. Something like that? Is that better, Goodwin?”

“Yes, much better!!”

“Okay, look,” said Tillman, “private huddle.”

The four of them slipped back behind the couch.

“What’s up, Tillman?” asked Declan.

“Okay, I don’t know how this shit works, if those two start dating do I have to date Jaylen too.”

“Excuse me?” deadpanned Jaylen.

“Like Jaylen I know I’m like super attractive and anyone would kill to date me, and like obviously I’m _way_ out of your league- and honestly it’s pretty cute the way you flirt with me over text but like? A. this body is pretty much dudes only and B. no offense but I’m not into the whole undead thing you have going on? So uh, you’re basically a hard pass.”

Silence hung over the couch for a long moment.

“Yeah okay,” said Declan, “Jaylen you can kill him if you wanna.”

“Hundred percent. Goodwin, get me a gun or something.”

“Jaylen, you know I can’t do that!!”

“Come onnnnnnnnnnn,” whined Jaylen, “what kind of girlfriend are you if you don’t support my hobbies?”

“Hey come on, come on, I was kidding, _obviously._ Don’t take it so personal. _Unless…”_

“Tillman if you say another word I’m ripping your tongue out of your mouth.”

“Yeah, whatev.” And Tillman, at long last, shut up. The four of them popped back out from behind the couch to find Mike, alone, pouring batter into a mold.

“Hey wait a sec,” said Declan, “where’d Betsy go?”

“I dunno,” said a voice from behind them, accompanied by the telltale schwing of a switchblade, “where do you _think_ I am?”

*******

The small cake had come out wonderfully, and Mike and Betsy looked really proud of it as everyone tore hunks off for themselves. As everyone ate Betsy casually went to one of their jacket’s inside pockets, but instead of producing a switchblade pulled out a bag of weed. They tried to make a joke based on the fact that they had been ‘baking’ and now they would be ‘getting baked’, but it didn’t land at all. Jaylen made a quip about it that got a much bigger laugh and Betsy pouted, which prompted Goodwin to exclaim how cute they were, which made Betsy so embarrassed that they’d threatened to keep all the weed for themself, which they didn’t end up doing, but the threat of it made everyone instantly much nicer to them.

As various joints were passed around and the night lingered on and different bad movies were flipped onto and off of, Betsy would try a variation on the joke a couple more times, each one seeming funnier than the last, until by the end, with the cake long gone, everyone was rolling on the ground in tears at the sheer brilliance of Betsy’s wordplay.

*******

It was late at night and the apartment was still. Tillman and Declan had passed out wrapped around each other on their chair. Goodwin was slumped against a wall, shadowarms crossed behind her head as a makeshift pillow. Betsy was splayed out on the floor, wearing just their binder and sweatpants and snoring loudly. And Jaylen was relaxed back into Mike’s body, one arm of his around her shoulder. A recapitulation of something they’d tried once, long ago, back when they’d both improbably believed themselves to not be gay as hell. And some memories rose to the surface, but they were quieted and pushed aside by the fact that this casual proximity without promise or pretense felt natural and effortless and nice. Even the bit of shadow that lingered after his touch was, well. She’d been through worse.

“hey, jay. you awake?”

She nodded. “Yep. Just barely.” Even taking care to keep it as low as possible, she still couldn’t get her voice as quiet as Mike’s. “What’s up?”

“oh. nothing.”

“If it’s nothing then let me sleep.”

“haha. no, i mean, i dunno. it’s lame. i just wanted to say i missed you.”

“Mike I’ve been back for like four seasons now.”

“not really? like sure your name was on the roster, but.” Mike shrugged and it shifted her body. “tonight was the first time i saw you look like yourself, since. you know.”

“I don’t happen to recall my old self ever making a big scene by having a giant panic attack in an apartment halfway across the country.”

“well, better than what you had been doing.”

Jaylen laughed, then caught herself and quited it down before it woke anyone. “Fair. Fair.”

“i dunno, it was nice for me at least. made me feel like. maybe some things can just go back to normal sometimes, and it’s not such a big deal.”

Jaylen sighed. “I- am I allowed to go back to normal? Like, after all the shit I’ve been through, and the like five different terrible people I’ve been by this point. I dunno. It feels selfish? Somehow? Like what right do I have to ever go back to normal.”

“well. okay, sure. but so what if it’s selfish? like, what’s bad about that? all it means is you want something for yourself. don’t see why you or anyone else shouldn’t be allowed that.”

“Because I might fuck it all up and lose it again? Because what if I’m just some kind of cancer and everyone around me is going to keep getting hurt again and again because of who I am?”

“we’re not gonna let it happen, jay, we’re not gonna let you lose us. we care about you too much for that.”

And Jaylen had a few things she thought she could say to that, _why do you even care about me in the first place_ for instance, but she figured Mike would either laugh it off and tell her she was being stupid, or would list off some number of things that were good about herself, and both sounded equally unpleasant to her in the moment. Or maybe she could ask exactly who Mike meant when he said ‘we’, like, was Tillman involved in that? Because she was pretty sure that douche would leave her out to dry in an instant - but even as she thought it, she remembered the way he’d texted her weird half-coherent insults at odd hours back in the seasons where no one had been willing to reach out to her, and the bizarre pang of happiness that struck in her, and the way they were maybe the only two people who would ever know what being undead was like, and maybe for a split second she even remembered a fragment of conversation, words lost to time they’d shared in some liminal space as he’d swapped back to life and she’d fallen back into darkness to prepare for what was feeling less and less like her swan song these days.

And so she didn’t ask any of that. And she settled for mumbling something under her breath that she hoped Mike wouldn’t notice. But of course he did.

“what was that, jay?”

“I said. I said I missed you too, Mike.”

“oh. thanks.”

“And if you ever get out of the shadows you better never fucking go back again. I’m still pissed about the first time.”

“haha, at the rate i seem to be switching around, i’m sure i’ll be back out in no time.”

“Well. At least you’re kinda here.”

“not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“You better not.”

And to make sure, she curled up against him, hoping that somehow if she only put as much of her body weight on top of his as she could, she could keep him pinned perfectly in place, part of some durable world she was hoping she could start to build around herself. Jaylen wondered as she lay there which of all her numerable past selves her current self was closest to. Maybe it was an impossible comparison to make. And yet, strangely enough, it occurred to Jaylen that she might like who she was currently more than anyone else she’d been before. Somewhere far away in the distance a car drove by. The clock of an appliance blinked out, then reappeared. Betsy snored again. Jaylen captured all the details around her, floating like a snowglobe in one moment that stretched off to the end of eternity.

Just as she began to doze off, Mike’s form shadowed and flickered out of their reality for a moment, and Jaylen fell awkwardly across the couch. Mike reappeared standing in front of the TV.

“Mike!! What the hell was that for?”

Mike grinned at her. “haha. got you, sucker.”

She rolled her eyes and chuckled. "You fucking dick."

* * *

**epilogue**

_“i get a little lonely,_

_get a little more close to me_

_you’re the only one who knows me, babe…”_

_“so hot you’re hurting my feelings”, caroline polachek_

It was Jaylen’s first game pitching for the Lovers and the crowd was riotous. Part of that was the Lovers’ usual raucous crowd, which even in its reduced number would have been more than enough to drown out the Steaks’ home crowd around five times over. But looking around the stadium as the infielders threw around behind her and August Sky took their tentative practice swings, Jaylen saw nearly a full spectrum of teams represented in the audience.

And she wasn’t dumb. She knew what they were here to see. No Mills fan would come all the way down to Dallas for an average game, even one pitched by an (if she was tempted to be modest) above-average pitcher. You only made that trip if you wanted to see something extraordinary. Say: the grand return of Jaylen Hotdogfingers, and maybe a preview of what havoc she’d sow through the league this time?

She rolled her eyes and glanced at the scoreboard. Bottom of the Second, Lovers up by one. She’d held the Steaks scoreless in the first uneventful ending, three up three out. An effective, if not flashy inning. Not what the crowd wanted.

Somewhere up there, she knew, were Goodwin and Betsy. She knew because she’d seen them briefly before the game, even if they hadn’t said much to each other. Partly because Jaylen hadn’t wanted to stick her nose out too far, given the amount of buzz surrounding the affair - she was barely able to leave the locker room at all. And the other part because, as usual, her brain had zoned itself fully into the game for the few hours prior, creating in itself the headspace that let her so ruthlessly dominate opposing teams from the mound. She’d barely heard what her partners had said to her, which maybe later she would realize was rude - after all, they’d all promised to see each other’s first games, and Goodwin had pitched just the day before and still made it all the way down from Canada - but she didn’t then, and had barely responded to what they said before trotting away for her starting role. She hoped they understood. They probably did.

Jaylen sighed on the mound. The crowd wanted their money’s worth. Not my problem, she thought, no one asked you to come, in fact I would’ve much rather you hadn’t. And as if in response she heard some voice raise itself above the roar of the crowd:

“Come on Jaylen! Give us something to watch!!”

And she wasn’t quite sure how she’d heard it so clearly, or if maybe she’d only imagined it, maybe her grasp on reality really was finally failing her, but either way hearing the words lighted an idea inside Jaylen and her mouth twisted into barely-repressed glee under her hat.

The role she’d played.

What was it called again?

That’s right.

Saboteur.

Well.

Maybe she wasn’t quite done playing it yet.

The ump signaled it was okay to start. Jaylen stared down the batter as she always did. August Sky. Some kind of bird thing. Shaking a bit. Mostly looked like they were praying not to die out here.

Cute.

She threw the first pitch fast to the inside. They managed to foul it off.

See, thought Jaylen, it’s not so bad. You can swing a little.

The thing about homeruns is that the batter can’t hit one if the ball isn’t fast enough. Well, maybe an exceptionally strong batter breaks the rules, but for the rank and file? A homerun takes the cooperation of both parties.

The second pitch was a rising curve, high and outside and August didn’t swing, but they should have. The ump called strike two.

Jaylen had made a career off of getting inside batters’ heads, intuiting how they tick, and using that against them. And she was very good at it. Now, for instance, she knew that August was ready for a ball to the same spot. Wouldn’t let another near-strike by them again, not with an 0-2 count. Not a curve, might be too tricky for them, just a straightforward two-seam fastball, just enough juice on it to get it over the fence and-

**_August Sky hits a solo home run!_ **

Jaylen smirked as the ball flew over the fence. Any celebration from the home crowd drowned out by mutterings of confusion. Scattered reassurances from the fielders behind her, saying not to let it get to her, keep her head in the game, et cetera. Only Kichiro, from her vantage point behind home plate, could see the wicked grin on Jaylen’s face as she chuckled to herself.

Next up: her old teammate, Nail Bat Abbott. Sorry Kichiro, thought Jaylen, but no glory for your girlfriend just yet- and she got Allison to pop out to left field just like she’d always been able to. Next batter grounded out, and she could feel the tension on the field dissipate as it started to seem like a fluke and well after all things were still tied, they could come back from this, and that’s when Jaylen’s smile grew as she decided she was out of patience and ready to throw away the pretense.

The next three batters hit three consecutive homeruns before Jaylen allowed the inning to be over. Between innings she went and hung out in the bullpen by herself. And for the rest of the game she threw nothing but just-fast-enough fastballs. Directly down the middle.

*******

By the time it was all over, thanks to Sun2 the Steaks had put up three wins in one game. A slaughter the likes of which was unheard of, before or since. And Jaylen, its victim, couldn’t stop smiling.

“You should’ve seen the look on Knight’s face,” she bubbled, as she hopped into the back of Goodwin’s rented car. “Well, actually, I didn’t see it either because of the helmet.” More giggles.

“I can’t imagine they were very pleased!!” put in Goodwin as she backed out of the by-now mostly abandoned stadium.

“Couldn’t really tell between the arts and the wherefores, honestly. Just kept telling them this was the only time I’d pull something like this. Eventually they believed me.”

“You give pitchers everywhere a bad name, Jaylen,” said Betsy from the seat beside her. Jaylen’s bag was in the front seat, with half her uniform draped across it - they were going bowling and Jaylen wouldn’t be caught dead there in her uniform, but she also wouldn’t be caught dead at the stadium _out_ of her uniform, and so that left changing in the car, like she was doing now, her only option.

“Like I didn’t already,” said Jaylen, taking the shirt Betsy handed her and yanking it down over her body, tucking it in. “How do I look, by the way?”

“Absolutely deranged,” answered Betsy.

“Perfect.” Jaylen smiled.

“I am not certain about your methods,” said Goodwin into the rearview mirror, “but you do certainly seem much more chipper!!”

She shrugged. “Just something to get off my chest.”

“Hey, listen, Jay,” said Betsy, “if anyone tries to start shit with you over this, we’ll like 100% kill them for it.” Their hand passed over the pocket in their jacket where their switchblade rested.

“Agreed!” said Goodwin, one of her shadow hands already pulling out the handle of a cyber-gun from the shadows that lived behind her.

“No!” laughed Jaylen. “No killing! The only thing I’m killing is my team’s playoff chances.”

“Pfft,” snickered Betsy, “that’s so lame. You’re like seriously unfunny, Jaylen.”

“If you would like!! I can offer you some “Comedy” tips!! I have basically graduated from the Garages’ Joke Lessons and I have a lot of wisdom to offer!!”

“Oh my god, Goodwin is offering me advice on being funny. Where in the world did I go wrong.”

“I dunno,” said Betsy, “but wherever that was it must’ve been a long fuckin time ago.”

The three laughed and poked fun at each other as the car sped off into the evening, Betsy on the GPS trying to keep Goodwin from getting lost and failing incredibly, Jaylen on the aux playing whatever obnoxious loud pop music she could think of, trailing her hand out the window with eyes closed, feeling the air currents outside lift it up and down, a nonsolid force carrying her where it would, and it was then that Jaylen realized she hadn’t needed to check her pulse all day. She gripped her hand into a tight fist and held it rigid in place. She smiled.

**end**


End file.
